Coffee & Whiskey

Not at the same time.  Don’t worry.  I know what the actual combination of those two things has the potential to create in my life:
Havoc.  Chaos.  Mayhem.

Wait.  I LIKE mayhem.  I’m actually GOOD at mayhem!  Maybe I need to rethink this….

No.  I definitely do NOT need to rethink this one.  I will not be mixing my breakfast with my alcohol.
Not at this point in my life, at least.
Give me a year, yet.

(Current music:  “Something For the Pain” by Redlight King)

I simply know that that’s where I am in life.
Coffee and whiskey.
A lot of both most days.

Do I have a “problem”?  …maybe.  But it ain’t like you think.  Trust me.
I mean, I strictly identify with an awful lot of Whitey Morgan’s music right now…but I’m actually okay with that, so…

Nah.  It’s simply been a rough day, people-interaction-wise.  I mean, what day isn’t, really.  But today I may have asked the guy in front of me at Meijer who tied his shoes for him because it wasn’t obvious that it WASN’T him that tied them.  That was far too overly complicated for him…
What.  It was a rough day for me, contemplating others’ idiocy…

Any who.  I sit here, at my former WDHQ, working on a plan out for the next 6 weeks…
…realizing I need a new date book for 2018 (expense)…
…realizing how far I’ve strayed from where I was 3 years ago simply because I’ve clarified the milestones I intend on hitting with ferocity during this journey…
…seeing how some of my idols have advanced themselves while working for themselves in the past 3 years….

I’ve had to come to a number of slightly painful realizations.

The biggest is that I’ve not been working for MYSELF for the past 3 years at all….but for other people.
I mean, I file my own taxes and am responsible for my own health care insurance, etc…
I mean that I’ve been working to better other people at my expense.  The expense of time, money, expertise, and stress.

And I need to stop that.  Seriously.  Right. Now.

It’s not as easy as that sounds, either.

When you can be your OWN motivation?  That’s a dangerous new level of holy-shit-ness.  And freedom from society.

Freedom, by the way, is a little scary.  Okay fuck it.  It’s WAY scary.  WAAAAAAAY scary.  Like…

ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF AND MY FAILURE OR MY SUCCESS.

I mean, that’s truth anyway.
It’s just scary to have that running through my head…

…I need more coffee

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2017 First Snowfall

Okay.  First significant snowfall.

When I say “significant”?  I mean we got like 6 inches.  At least the wing stayed down.

And I did shovel the driveway 3 times.  That has to count for something right?  *sigh*  Or not, really.

My black eye is eight days old, and almost gone.  Thank goodness.  I’m tired of hiding it in photos.
Let me say, however, it has totally and utterly brought to my attention a lot of things around my eyes that I have to work on.  (I am a believer that as long as you do the right things and do not expect miracles overnight, you can change most things about your body.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again…

I’ve taken on a new “thing” while I work, as well:  I have my laptop camera on.  It allows me to look over and check to see that I’m not slouching and that I’m working to smile more.  I know that I need to work on all of that once again.

One good thing that Facebook did is to install that stupid “memories” thing.  I know that I have a shitton (again: IT’S AN ACTUAL MEASUREMENT, KIDDOS!!!!) of pictures from my “best”, 2-3 years ago.  I just have to fight to get back there…and further.  I did it once, I can and WILL do it again.  In fact?  I’ll be working on it, starting today.  I’m not 100% proud of my food choices today (I planned them in advance, but I planned in bar wings for dinner tonite…because I could.  I may have to re think that one…  I’m not walking 5.2 miles home tonite.  Not in a feel real that’s below zero!)  I’m calling them motivation.

It’s not even Christmas yet, and I’m already thinking swimsuit season!!!  I have work to do because I intend to showcase my best body…EVER.

In a one piece.

I have reasons.

First?  I have to get through the rest of this winter.  And hopefully more snow.

Why would I want snow?  Simple.  

IT IS SIMPLY TOO DRY

I’m for fucking real.  The only way that I can even begin to stay hydrated is to become a mermaid, I think.  Which would be okay if I could get my mimosas delivered in a timely manner…

Bring on the snow.  Bring on the winter.

It Means Doing The Difficult Things

Enter: coffee.
Lots and lots of coffee.

Because I left Momma’s at 10pm…and went to the diner.  I’m not done for the night yet.
PS?  It’s cold.  Like “feel real” of 9*.  I guess at least it’s 9* above…

I’m plotting what I need to accomplish in the next 10 days.  …I probably should read my coaching challenges first, but…
*sigh*  Hold on.  I’ll be back… I gotta read my coaching challenges, first…

Okay.  So that was actually important.  NOW I can plot what I need to accomplish in the next 10 days…

In case you missed the memo?  I’m no where near normal.  No where near…
And I have a shitton on my plate…by choice.
Some days it feels like way too much.  Some nites I cry.
There’s a lot of times that I can’t even begin to explain how difficult the lines of thinking in my head make my decision-making process.
There’s a lot of times I wish -REALLY WISH- that I could do things the easy way.  Be comfortable.  Do what everyone else does.

Yeah…I laugh about that, too.
Because I have actually DONE things the easy, comfy way before.
I hated it.

No, really!  I hated it. AND I hate where it’s put me.

Why do we allow “society” to tell us how to live…even if we KNOW it doesn’t work like that?
Seriously.  WE know that it doesn’t.

AND we know that there’s no possible way that things that are too good to be true are EVER true.  Yet?  We buy into them anyway…
We always always do…

I’m really tired of the cycle.

I’m ending it in my life.
I’m ending a LOT of things in my life.

I’m starting a lot of things in my life, too.
We have let go of the way things have been done for new, modern conviences…
…and look where it’s left us.

So I just bought half a hog for spring slaughter…
…there’s a start.

Oh.  And I may have purchased a chest freezer…  What.  I’m going to need it.

I’m also dedicated to saving money.  While I will invest in start up companies (and I found an app that allows me to do that with my “spare change” from every day purchases), I need to invest in me, too.
In a Mason jar.
I’m not kidding.

I’ve got so much I want to see and do and experience and learn…

And I’m on top of it right now, too.
I think.

(It really needs to warm up again.  If December is this cold?  January is going to be another brutal-ass frigid month…)

The entire point of this post is actually THIS…
I walk almost everywhere I need to be.  Almost.  I get rides to the far side of town or in heavy traffic times or in horrible weather.  This is partially my choice.  It didn’t start as my choice, but it is now.  My sister needs a second vehicle more than I need one at all.
Any way…

I caught shit the other nite for walking to the house in the cold.  It wasn’t ALL that cold.  And the wind was at my back the entire 5.1 miles.
…you read that right.

Here’s the thing, okay?  It’s my CHOICE to be with out a car.  It’s also my choice to go out and do things or eat out or run errands on my own (I use Momma’s car a couple days a month for things like groceries, and I lump as many errands together for those days as I possibly can fit into 3 hours).  And while yes, it’s cold?  There’s an unseen population in THIS CITY…that is a whole lot larger than anyone would care to admit…that is legitimately HOMELESS in this weather.  The amount of beds in shelters is far less than the amount of bodies that need them.  They don’t have a CHOICE to be out in the weather.

I have made a decision to go out.  I’m not going to be an inconvience to those I hang around with when I’m ready to go, either.  It’s not a big deal.  At all.
(I appreciate the Trues that have helped out without being asked!  It rocks more than You’ll EVER know!)

I know it sounds weird, yet it’s the absolute: there are a lot of people that have life a lot worse then I do.  My life is good.  GREAT actually.  I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy.  I have dreams and goals and I’m working hard everyday.  I have a career that challenges me to do better every day.  I know that what I want to accomplish is truly achievable through hard work.  I know that I can be self-sustainable and self-sufficient and that I will be with in the next 10 years.  I know who I can Trust and Respect and the rest of the world can go fuck themselves.

And I understand my purpose and my calling.  Better yet?  I understand HOW I am going to fulfill it.

It means doing difficult things, whether they make sense to anyone else or not.

It’s about LIVING LOUD.

And it’s about the awe and the wonder moments that are the makings of life.

No matter how difficult it is to look beyond myself or the situation and task in front of me.
Understanding self-worth, self-dignity, and self-respect is one thing.  Enforcing it…from yourself first so that others learn how to treat you? That’s another task all together.

And it’s not easy.  Because to look into yourself?  You must look outwards.
Understand?
No?
It’s okay.  Keep looking.

You’ll see it.  If you keep looking?  You’ll see it….

Puzzle Pieces

If you’re not taking something away from every single conversation that you have?
You’re obviously talking to the wrong people.

The thing is (and it isn’t a problem.  It’s a thing) is that the more consistent your conversations with people, the more what you take away fits together.  Some days, it takes weeks to figure out.
Sometimes the walk through my dreams works most of everything together easily…no matter how much it sucks in totality.

Not sucks because the puzzle is harder.
How do I explain this…

It’s like with each new piece or sets of pieces I think that I know what the picture is going to be…and then?  Not so much.  *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

So I get started on this big picture that I think the puzzle is supposed to be…
…and I have to adjust fire.  Again.

It’s a never-ending recreation of vision, mostly.
At least it’s always in the same general direction.
Mostly.  I think…

You have to understand what a struggle it is to get out of bed it is for me most days.
I have no reason to jump out of bed.
And about 6 pages per day on the to-do list to stay IN bed with the cat under the blankets.

Can I just mention, quickly, how tired of doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms I really am?  I get to do so very much of both of that…

At least I’ll get to learn to roof this spring?  I guess that’s a trade off…
(I’m really going to try NOT to fall off aforementioned roof.  No promises on that.  But I WILL wear a harness.  Promise THAT one!)

You know what my problem has been?  It’s been simple…I’ve been flighty.  Yup.  F-L-I-G-H-T-Y.
Recently, however, I have indeed figured life out.  Like…what it’s all about.
I’ll share tomorrow.

Today, though, I’m just dealing with the fact that I have more puzzle pieces that have fit.  I have a few from last week that don’t yet…
…many more that do, though.  And honestly?  Again, it’s changed my picture.

It’s okay.  I’m learning that the changes in the picture are a good thing.  I’m learning that the picture as a whole is something that I could have never imagined at any point before.

Am I calm about it?
Nah.  I’m slightly stressed as fuck.
Okay: I’M TOTALLY STRESSED AS FUCK.
Why?  Because honestly I’m kinda tired of being at odds with simply everyone about “right” vs. “wrong” or how things are “supposed to be done”.
I’m not saying I’m right.  Not at all.
Some things are obviously not going to go well doing them the way that they’re being done… (if you can do that last line in a sing-songy voice?  That’d work fabulously).

I can’t believe the way my life is headed.  I just cannot.
I’m scared.
I’m doubting my abilities.
I’m freaked about my initial results.

I know that it’s going to be very very difficult…not only to accomplish.  But difficult to shake stereotypes.  Difficult to get people to take me seriously as I move forward.  Difficult not to break down, strictly from stress (uh, I do know myself and my own brain.  I know how this is going to go at moments).

 

Is 2017 Fucking Over Yet???

How the hell not?!?!? Because oh-my-god I’m so done with this year.  Really.

I’m tired.  Like mentally.
I’m done processing emotions that I work so damn hard not to have to deal with.
I understand that I have to do a lot of what I don’t want to and what other people won’t in order to even come CLOSE to achieving my goals.

I’ m just really tired of it all, okay?  I’m not 110% sure what I have been supposed to be learning this year, but apparently I am NOT going to ever understand it and I am beyond fucking done.

…I’m not done.  I don’t GET to be done yet.  I don’t have choices in a lot of things in my life.  They’re just the way they are.  I don’t want them this way.  I wouldn’t wish any of my life —ANY OF IT— on anyone.

But I don’t get to be done yet.
There’s too much to continue doing.  Too much to prove that it is possible.  Too much to change.  Too much to lead through example.

I honestly don’t know where to start, either.
And I don’t think my Bestest is talking to me right now -at least not in real life.  Pretty sure I’ve pissed that absolutely amazing human being off… *sigh*  I’m really lousy at people…  Hopefully my brain will walk me through it as I sleep.  If it’s anything like this morning?  I’ll get several hours of confusion…more bullshit that I wake up and write down and don’t understand…and ZERO answers or directions.

I’m so lost right now.  So confused.  So stretched thin.  So tired.  So done trying.

Yet?  Yet I know and acknowledge and even understand that I don’t get to be normal.  That I am part gypsy.  That Stepford won’t help.  That even if it did?  I would be miserable (I’ve already tried that).

I don’t like having to explain myself or my life or my choices.  I can’t explain my dreams or what the ultimate picture of my “success” looks like.  I just cannot.  I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of being pitied.  I’m tired of being excluded.  I’m tired of not being worth it because I’m not -at 37 years old- your version of “normal” or “successful”.

I’m tired of it all.

Am I regrouping and trying to figure it out or find focus?
Um, actually no.  I’m tired of doing that, too.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Probably talk to my cat about it for a while.  I mean, he doesn’t care either.  Yet?  As long as I’m scratching his ears just right, he’ll sit there and listen to the noise coming out of my mouth.

Fuck 2016 and Fuck 2017.
I’d like to say that I’ve taken a lot away from 2 very tough years.  But I haven’t.  So I won’t state that.

In fact?  The truth is that I’m more tired, more frustrated, more hurting for people, more disgusted with society-as-a-whole, further away from anything conceived as “success”, and much much more angry than I have ever been.

And anyone that thinks that I can channel that shit into something positive has another fucking thing coming.
I won’t.

I’m allowed to be upset.  For as long as would like to be.  About whatever I want to be.

…I think I’m going to start my Thirsty Thursday early.  Fuck everyone and everything.

I quit.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year…

…unless you’re a small business owner.  

Then?  It’s the same daily struggle…only amplified.  
Budgets are tighter.  People believe they’re getting a better deal at a mega store.  Everyone wants a discount. People are lazy.

Serioulsy.  
Don’t like those ideas?  Probably because you can see parts of yourself right there in the type-face, huh?

Look.  Small businesses are going to offer you more unique ideas…better creators…quality…personal service and enthusiam…
Don’t believe me?  Make a commitment to shop small.

Oh, and quit asking for a discount from your friends / family that own small businesses.  
They don’t owe you one.
And if you truly support them?  You’re going to pay full price anyway.  You just will.  No questions asked.

Get out of the mega-warehouse stores that suck your soul dry and purchase small.  Just try it.

Quality over quantity.  
If everyone can have it, I don’t want it anyway.  For real.

I’m going to spend parts of the next 2 months showing you what I mean…
…stick around.