It Happens Every Single Year

Sunburn.

Every summer for as long as I can remember?  I’ve gotten sunburned.
This summer is no exception.

And right now???  My shoulders itch like crazy!!!

*sigh*  It’s not that I don’t apply sunscreen, because I do.
It’s that I forget to RE-apply sunscreen.  *double sigh*

Believe it or not?  At one time in my life (like 4 years ago…seems like a life time ago already!), I had aspirations to stay pure pin-up girl porcelain pasty white.
To say that didn’t work all that well would probably be the understatement of my entire life.  Seriously.

See here’s my problem:
I like to be outside in the summer.
I like to camp.  I like to hike.  I like to do gardening and yard work.  I like to mow grass (seriously.  And no I am not suffering from heat stroke).  I love to swim and fish and canoe.

I would rather be outside sitting in the sun and the heat doing nothing than I would inside in the air conditioning.  Honest.

Why?  I have zero idea.
Okay.  Maybe I have a slight idea.

Being outside is FREE.  There’s stuff to see and do and learn.  There’s amazing awe and wonder all around.
See, I was very spoiled as a child:  I HAD TO go outside and play.  Why?  Mom said so.  Gram & Papa said so.
Besides…we didn’t have air conditioning.  Chances were it was much cooler outside, under the trees.
And?  We had just spent all winter inside.  There was STUFF to do outside: whether it was playing and running or watching birds or camping or growing stuff or keeping the yard beautiful.  It wasn’t inside.  We had had enough of being inside. And it was Wisconsin.  It would be winter again soon enough.

So I go outside every chance I get.
And every summer?  I get red…then tan—ish.  If I don’t blister and peel, I get tan.
My shoulders are going to peel.  I know it.  I maaaaaaay have gotten sunburn on top of my sunburn.  Ummm…oops…

And this won’t be the only sunburn of the summer, either.  I’ve got days in the next week that I know I’m going to be outside.  And I’ve already planned to wear certain things so that the areas I had covered last week can get some color.  Hey.  If I’m stuck having tan lines?  I’m having as few un-tanned areas as I am comfortable with.
…which, unfortunately, are still way larger than I am happy with myself about.  1) because I should have been working hard on getting to the best me for a looooooong time already…and I’ve procrastinated again.  And 2) because I’m not okay with not being okay with my body.

So the question -for myself.  I don’t need answers.  I need to figure out what works for me- is: How do I manage to acquire color without the initial stage being RED?  Because…ITCHY.  Like super itchy right.this.moment.  OMG…it itches so damn bad.  All.I.want.to.do.is.SCRATCH….

*sigh*

Its just healing sunburn.
I’ve got this.
After all?  It happens every summer…

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Don’t Let Them Sell You Stuff

We are a selling society.
We want to sell to everyone.
And everyone wants to sell to us.

Even if the product or service doesn’t work.  And most don’t.  And mostly?  The seller doesn’t care, if they’re aware at all.
And honestly?

Honestly, we’re all out here looking for a miracle of some kind or another.
We’ll almost believe anything.  Seriously.

There’s a really good reason for disclaimers on everything:  we’re collectively stupid as hell.

Look.  There’s things to remember in life.  Here’s the top few…
1- If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
2- The goal with a consumable is to get you hooked so you come back for more.
3- Results vary AND will change over time.
4- Companies can pay for endorsements…and they do.  Whether those endorsements come from celebrities or publications, they are be bought.
5- You have the entire sum of the world’s collective knowledge at your fingertips.  USE it.  And use multiple sources.  You may have to dig…companies pay to information “scrubbed” to make themselves, their product, and their services look better.
6- There are very VERY few experts out there in ANY field today.  Information increases too fast.
7- You still get NOTHING long-term without hard work, focus, concentration…and more than likely blood, sweat, and tears.

I know, I know:  it SUCKS.

But that is truly the way it is.

We’ve become reliant on experts and tactics and miracle drugs and fads and such.
I promise you that, in the long run -when it comes to ANYTHING worth accomplishing in life!- 
There are NO cheat days

and

An ounce of prevention is worth much more than a ton of cure

No.  I’m not discussing health here…although it does indeed apply.

If you want results?  You don’t get to cheat your way to the top and then not have it fold on you.  It’s not karma.  It’s complacency.
And doing the right things for the right reason from the onset (or from now on in your process) and planning for whatever deviations and diversions you can foresee?  Even though that may take time?  It’s easier to do and to make habit than to clean up a mess caused by sloppiness or the chaos of life or to have to back-track and make right later.

The details that no one else sees?  They do indeed matter.
AND you don’t have to make those details public on social media, either!  You don’t have to share EVERY SINGLE BREATH YOU TAKE with the world or your friends or what not!
YOU DO NOT LIVE ONLINE.  You live life.
And if you’re taking time to document every single movement you make?  You’re using up precious moments that you could be doing and seeing and living and experiencing and growing.
If some one asks about your behind-the-scenes steps?  Yeah.  Share them.
Or make an insight into the back-of-house operations a periodic thing for your brand.
Don’t share everything all the time.

Quit expecting miracles.  Quit buying into the latest things and experts.  Quit believing everything you hear and see.

Understand that what you don’t know is holding you back.
Understand that what you won’t do  is holding you back.

Then decide what you have to do and what you need to learn…and do it.

But for the love of everything!  Quit buying the hype you’re being sold.

…for you.

Those Moments You Realize that Coffee…

…is your biggest addiction?
…is your friend?
…is probably what keeps you from slapping people?
…is an underrated neccessity of societal function?
…is not going to cut it today???

That last one.  I’m there.

Also, I’m out of coffee.  Hold on…

Why can I never find a waitress -ANY waitress?!?!?!- when my mug is empty???  *siiiiiiigh*

Okay.  So today I took a set of mid-term exams.  I did fine, I’m sure of it.  I have a proctored lab tomorrow morning, yet.  Then I wait for grades.  I have no problems; I’m not worried about grades.  I know that I did well.

What I have a problem with is that to take my exams it cost me waaaaaay too much money.
I am required to have my exams proctored (since my classes and lectures are entirely online) in order for the grades to be official and count towards credit hours earned.
I either need to learn to take more time per question or …well, SOMETHING… in order to get my money’s worth!  My first test took me 15 minutes.  FIFTEEN!  Ugh!  The second took almost the entire hour because it require short answers and essay.  The third I was again finished in under 30 minutes.

That entire ordeal cost me $220.  The hands-on lab is costing me $150.  I know that’s worth it, since it’s 100% hands on PLUS a written test.  I already have the questions for the written part, and it’s multiple choice.  No biggie.  The hands on section?  I know exactly what skills are required for me to prove understanding and basic proficiency on.  This isn’t going to be difficult.  And it’s worth it, since for the skills demonstration I don’t need to provide my own tools.  They are provided for me.

Allow me to reiterate:  I spent $220 today for someone to half-watch me spend not even 2 hours answering test questions.
It’s not as though they had to make sure I wasn’t using my phone to cheat; phones had to be turned into the table where the proctor sat.  Seriously.

I’m in the wrong business (although I’m sure the proctor doesn’t actually get all the money.  I’m quite certain that a good chunk of it goes to the University.  Still.  It’s the principle of the thing!).

Any who…that’s over.  Mostly.

Onward to greater things for this week.
Like organization and cleaning and budgeting and food prep and packing stuff back into totes (which is what happens when you go through your entire wardrobe, weeding out what you have no desire to keep).

I could use a clone.

My week started with glass clean up in the bath tub, by the way.  In case you were concerned that perhaps I had a nice, easy cup of coffee in the sun to start my week?  No, no I did not.  It wouldn’t have been bad except…the breakage had happened sometime hours earlier and the jar had contained sugar scrub.  So as the liquid dried?  The liquified sugar glued the glass pieces to the porcelain bath tub.  Good times…

I mean, it hasn’t been bad really.  I shouldn’t complain.
And honestly?  I’m not.  I’m not happy that it’s mid-Tuesday, I’m tired, and I have a 3 page list to accomplish in the next day and a half.
I’m not complaining, though.

Lamenting? Perhaps.  I feel like I shouldn’t be tired and that the coffee isn’t doing it’s ONLY JOB.  I may break down and have an apple or something.  I don’t know how my body is gonna take that though, so…

I know, from journaling (and then READING my past entries.  That’s actually kind of important…), that this all goes in cycles in my life.
I also am aware that the absolute intense that the full part of the cycle (that leads me to want to sleep for about a week straight…yet I never do?  I should work on that.  They always tell you to follow your dreams, right?  Well fuck.  I’d like time to HAVE a dream or two…)…
Any way…the full part of the cycle has only gotten fuller…and it’s my own doing.  And I’m okay with that because the projects on my plate are MINE — not someone else’s.

So…the coffee has been refilled.  The brain is defragging mostly.  And I’m thinking I might actually survive this.  (I’ve got a marvelous Bestest to keep me laughing and grinning.  I highly recommend.)

Should I study something else for tomorrow?
Nah.  Gonna chill and read some crap.  Not smut.  I’ll read that later (what.  The only difference is that I admit it and you don’t.  Honesty).  Just generalized the-world-is-going-to-be-the-demise-of-itself crap.

Why?  Because I can.

How Hard Is This, Really…

Harder than it sounds, really.

I came across a very valid tweet today.
“I’VE ALWAYS SHIED AWAY FROM THE IDEA OF #SELFLOVE UNTIL I WAS IN MY LATE 20’S.  IT’S NOT AS EASY AS PEOPLE MAKE IT OUT TO BE.  WHY IS IT SO MUCH EASIER TO BE KIND, LOVING, FORGIVING, AND COMPASSIONATE WITH OTHERS THAN YOURSELF?  #BRAVETOLOVEME

Some very valid questions there.  Why is it so difficult to remember the good that we are personally as self???  Why do we view whatever part of us we’re viewing as inherently bad or not good enough???
WHERE DID THIS COME FROM???

I’d like to really think about all of that for a while.  Because personally?  I don’t have answers personally or across the board on it.  (I can never really use my personal experiences for psych questions.  I’ve not had a typical life or any typical interpersonal interactions of any type at any point in my life.  Ever.)

It’s an interesting psychological concept to tackle, though.  It touches so very much…

We depend so much on society to fulfill us.  I again I ask:
What if we simply decided to handle it ourselves?  Does that make us less of a “society”?  Or does taking responsiblity for self and refusing to allow others to determine how we’ve filled our needs within the “hierarchy” actually make us more creative, more self-sufficient, and more available to others?

…odd concept, isn’t it?  Taking care of self makes us more available to other people…

But it very much does.

That, however, may be the topic for a complete OTHER entry — I don’t know…

*sigh*

I think I need to tackle the ramifications of this individual tweet, first…

I’ll be back.

There Are So Many Things to DO!

I’m pretty sure that I’m back to that “not enough hours in my day” thing.
And I’m 1000%  sure that there’s many simple solutions.

I don’t want to hear any of them.

Look.  It’s not about denial.  I’m well aware that I tend to take on too much all the damn time.  I don’t need your reminder on that one.

It’s that I take things on for reasons.  Like, oh I don’t know, they HAVE TO BE DONE or I want what I want out of my life.

So, as I sit here drinking my coffee with my binder open and my to-do lists half made and my datebook full of sticky notes…

*sigh*  I think that a lot of my problems always stem from the same things:
I have a problem with priorities.

Not MY priorities.  I have my own in check.

It’s simple…people come to me when they have problems.  Always.  Apparently I can solve anything?  I don’t fucking know.  Anyway.  It’s NEVER an easy problem.  It’s NEVER EVER something that I can work on for a few weeks.  It’s ALWAYS a fucking forest fire.
Good hell, folks.  C’mon.

You know, Trix, you could simply say no…

Yeah…when was the last time you passed on putting out a forest fire???  You can’t.  It just ain’t right.

And I’m beginning to feel really fucking used.  People just know you won’t say no if it’s urgent, so they wait.
I mean, it backfires on them because they’re GONNA GET LECTURED and cussed out and I’m really good with the bitchy attitude through the entire thing…
But it always gets done and my hands are always involved.

Because really I don’t need sleep to do my own shit.
…and then I unwind with a couple days without sleep.  Yeah.  I can be an idiot…

The unwinding tho?  TOTALLY worth it every time.  I would go absolutely CRAZY if I didn’t have those days.  I do, indeed, recognize my limits on dealing with reality.  And the more crash and stupid it becomes, the more I need to survive thru zen and music and laughter, so…

That incredible moment when the answer lies in the music blaring through your skull…I’m there.  

You know what?  Never mind.  I just figured it totally out.
Again.
Because of the words against melody.

I stand by the idea that music holds all the answers.  Always.

…I gotta go.  Sunday night and all means shit to do before the sun comes up…

Let’s Fix Some Common Misconceptions About Life (part 1)

There are things that I detest.  A LOT of things that I detest.

Waiting, for example.  I am NOT a patient person.

I am not fond of having to ponder imponderables, either.

Like right now.
As I work through one of the challenges offered to me (fuck “offered”.  I don’t get challenges “OFFERED” to me to choose whether or not to accept.
I get offers THRUST in to my life because I NEED them to move forward and up) put into my life, I find myself at one hell of an intersection — both professionally and personally.

I don’t know how to maneuver through it, either.  *le sigh*

I think it will be simplified if I talk it out.
Maybe.
Possibly not.  Actually?  PROBABLY not.  I’ll probably wind up with several more totally legitimate challenges to deal with.

How in the actual fuck at 37 years of age am I so damned confused about so much???

Oh.  That makes sense: BECAUSE “SOCIETY” IS TOTALLY FUCKING FUCKED THE FUCK UP.

Legit answer to a stupid question, honestly…

I have discovered that I’m not content (GASP.  Noooooooo.  Say it ain’t so…) in my current life plan.  Or at least my current “career” plan.  HOWEVER, I am content enough with it for now to continue.  Money pays for things even though it’s not worth anything and I like food, so…
I’m simply having a difficult time justifying how I’m going about things right this moment.

Can You even imagine if I could find the courage to highly disappoint my mother and do what I know that I could?  Can You even IMAGINE?!?!?!  *sigh*  I can.  I get a taste of what it is every once in a while… …for which I will always be thankful!  

And honestly?  There’s an entire slate of things that I SHOULD be doing anyway!
The absolute insanity of it all is that I’m 37 years old.

Thirty SEVEN.

…is this a “mid-life crisis”?  Lawrd I fekin hope not!  I’m not ready to have this be mid-of-my-life!

…only partially because I have a shitton of things to see and do and experience yet.
Okay MOSTLY because I have a shitton of things to see and do and experience and learn and become yet.

Also?  Because I am SO DAMN CONFUSED.

So what do I do?  Do I call up my Bestest and ramble and hope for an answer (also, if you weren’t laughing hysterically by the 5th word of that question?  You don’t actually know me at all!  I don’t use my phone for that!)?  Or do I write it out and hope to find a suitable answer within the lines and arrows and doodles that inevitably will cover the page of writing as always?  Or do I continue typing sentences and paragraph breaks that only make sense to me?

Or quite possibly just jump…

…they always say the best time to jump is when you’re scared…

One Day at A Time

How difficult would it be for my life to take the “calendar” approach?  One day at a time.  You know, instead of pitching them at me 4 or 5 at a time.

This is some how totally my fault.  I know this.
Doesn’t make moments of my day any less frustrating at times.

I walked into the diner tonite. (For record?  The date is January 14th)
There is a sign on the door about their Valentine’s Day special.
In a month.

Shall we start with the fact that St. Valentine’s Day isn’t ANYTHING like you plan to observe it as?  No?  Why not?  Oh.  Hallmark.  Right.  My bad…

Anyway.  I feel like my birthday was YESTERDAY….and here we are, planning for the MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY?!?!?!? Already.

I can’t take this. Some where, I lost all of December and 3/4 of November.  I am not prepared to lose January as well!!!

*sigh*

Alright.  I’ve got this.  I have to.  I have no choice, at all.
How in the world I’m going to do it, I’m not sure yet (I can’t say that I’ve ever put together a complete and through hard-copy press packet in my entire life!!!  This is going to take some research, first thing).
I like the challenges that life presents to me and that are handed to me because they PUSH ME beyond what I think.  That’s very important, since I’m constantly attempting to be better than I currently am.

Some days, it simply becomes full to the brim.  And weeding out what no longer fits takes time as well.  Figuring out exactly what is worth continuing?  Figuring out what I need to continue in order to complete what is in front of me?  It all takes sorting.  Sorting takes time.

Time is the issue most days.  Okay, pretty much every day.
I can plot and plan and email and implement and moniter and even DO every single day…
…and I’m not done yet.

I know that it’s part of living and making a living.
And I really ENJOY what I do.

And I’m treasured to have some incredibly fun times to unwind for hours at a pop once in a while!

There’s something else.  I can’t quite explain it.

Part of it, I’m aware as I struggle to locate the words to best express what’s in my mind currently, is fear.  Fear for a lot of reasons.
I mean, let’s be real: if I can’t even put it into words?  Can I?  Should I? Will I be able to? Has it been done? What about the reprocussions? *sigh*
I know…those are the problems, Trix.  How’s about you find the solutions.

Bad news:  Those are in regards to the solutions I’ve already found.

I’m not a negative person.  I simply know that just because you’ve recognized a solution doesn’t mean there won’t be PROBLEMS with the solution.  Find the problems, solve for “y”.  Yeah.  I’m there…

Problem example?  Solar paneling for electrical energy consumptive use.  Sounds easy: buy solar panels, have wired and installed.  Done.
Not so much.

Do you know you need PERMITS???  And shall we, for a moment, consider the cost…
…let’s leave alone the facts that finding installation services is a nightmare.

So I start digging, and along the way I find many many many more problems into this project.  Some of them are simple.  Some I know nothing about and must research and email questions on.  Some are complex and need to be broken down and solved.
It all takes time.

There are moments that I feel like I learned NOTHING during my childhood.  I mean, I totally know different.  I simply feel like it…