Let’s Fix Some Common Misconceptions About Life (part 1)

There are things that I detest.  A LOT of things that I detest.

Waiting, for example.  I am NOT a patient person.

I am not fond of having to ponder imponderables, either.

Like right now.
As I work through one of the challenges offered to me (fuck “offered”.  I don’t get challenges “OFFERED” to me to choose whether or not to accept.
I get offers THRUST in to my life because I NEED them to move forward and up) put into my life, I find myself at one hell of an intersection — both professionally and personally.

I don’t know how to maneuver through it, either.  *le sigh*

I think it will be simplified if I talk it out.
Maybe.
Possibly not.  Actually?  PROBABLY not.  I’ll probably wind up with several more totally legitimate challenges to deal with.

How in the actual fuck at 37 years of age am I so damned confused about so much???

Oh.  That makes sense: BECAUSE “SOCIETY” IS TOTALLY FUCKING FUCKED THE FUCK UP.

Legit answer to a stupid question, honestly…

I have discovered that I’m not content (GASP.  Noooooooo.  Say it ain’t so…) in my current life plan.  Or at least my current “career” plan.  HOWEVER, I am content enough with it for now to continue.  Money pays for things even though it’s not worth anything and I like food, so…
I’m simply having a difficult time justifying how I’m going about things right this moment.

Can You even imagine if I could find the courage to highly disappoint my mother and do what I know that I could?  Can You even IMAGINE?!?!?!  *sigh*  I can.  I get a taste of what it is every once in a while… …for which I will always be thankful!  

And honestly?  There’s an entire slate of things that I SHOULD be doing anyway!
The absolute insanity of it all is that I’m 37 years old.

Thirty SEVEN.

…is this a “mid-life crisis”?  Lawrd I fekin hope not!  I’m not ready to have this be mid-of-my-life!

…only partially because I have a shitton of things to see and do and experience yet.
Okay MOSTLY because I have a shitton of things to see and do and experience and learn and become yet.

Also?  Because I am SO DAMN CONFUSED.

So what do I do?  Do I call up my Bestest and ramble and hope for an answer (also, if you weren’t laughing hysterically by the 5th word of that question?  You don’t actually know me at all!  I don’t use my phone for that!)?  Or do I write it out and hope to find a suitable answer within the lines and arrows and doodles that inevitably will cover the page of writing as always?  Or do I continue typing sentences and paragraph breaks that only make sense to me?

Or quite possibly just jump…

…they always say the best time to jump is when you’re scared…

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One Day at A Time

How difficult would it be for my life to take the “calendar” approach?  One day at a time.  You know, instead of pitching them at me 4 or 5 at a time.

This is some how totally my fault.  I know this.
Doesn’t make moments of my day any less frustrating at times.

I walked into the diner tonite. (For record?  The date is January 14th)
There is a sign on the door about their Valentine’s Day special.
In a month.

Shall we start with the fact that St. Valentine’s Day isn’t ANYTHING like you plan to observe it as?  No?  Why not?  Oh.  Hallmark.  Right.  My bad…

Anyway.  I feel like my birthday was YESTERDAY….and here we are, planning for the MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY?!?!?!? Already.

I can’t take this. Some where, I lost all of December and 3/4 of November.  I am not prepared to lose January as well!!!

*sigh*

Alright.  I’ve got this.  I have to.  I have no choice, at all.
How in the world I’m going to do it, I’m not sure yet (I can’t say that I’ve ever put together a complete and through hard-copy press packet in my entire life!!!  This is going to take some research, first thing).
I like the challenges that life presents to me and that are handed to me because they PUSH ME beyond what I think.  That’s very important, since I’m constantly attempting to be better than I currently am.

Some days, it simply becomes full to the brim.  And weeding out what no longer fits takes time as well.  Figuring out exactly what is worth continuing?  Figuring out what I need to continue in order to complete what is in front of me?  It all takes sorting.  Sorting takes time.

Time is the issue most days.  Okay, pretty much every day.
I can plot and plan and email and implement and moniter and even DO every single day…
…and I’m not done yet.

I know that it’s part of living and making a living.
And I really ENJOY what I do.

And I’m treasured to have some incredibly fun times to unwind for hours at a pop once in a while!

There’s something else.  I can’t quite explain it.

Part of it, I’m aware as I struggle to locate the words to best express what’s in my mind currently, is fear.  Fear for a lot of reasons.
I mean, let’s be real: if I can’t even put it into words?  Can I?  Should I? Will I be able to? Has it been done? What about the reprocussions? *sigh*
I know…those are the problems, Trix.  How’s about you find the solutions.

Bad news:  Those are in regards to the solutions I’ve already found.

I’m not a negative person.  I simply know that just because you’ve recognized a solution doesn’t mean there won’t be PROBLEMS with the solution.  Find the problems, solve for “y”.  Yeah.  I’m there…

Problem example?  Solar paneling for electrical energy consumptive use.  Sounds easy: buy solar panels, have wired and installed.  Done.
Not so much.

Do you know you need PERMITS???  And shall we, for a moment, consider the cost…
…let’s leave alone the facts that finding installation services is a nightmare.

So I start digging, and along the way I find many many many more problems into this project.  Some of them are simple.  Some I know nothing about and must research and email questions on.  Some are complex and need to be broken down and solved.
It all takes time.

There are moments that I feel like I learned NOTHING during my childhood.  I mean, I totally know different.  I simply feel like it…

 

 

More and Less

I don’t make New Year resolutions.

Pretty much because I don’t have the time to keep them.

And if I’m going to make a change to my life?  I’m not waiting until the calendar turns over the morning after my birthday.

Yes, my birthday is really New Year’s eve.  No, it’s not as awesome as one would think.
Just ONE YEAR I would like to be asked to go out for my birthday instead of NYE festivities.

ANYWHO.

So I’m working on a bunch of stuff.  Some was committed to because it was pointed out to me.  Some of it is stuff that has been expected of me for the longest time and that -honestly- I’ve been slacking on and using several [fabulous] excuses for.

Some are new-to-me ideas on how to get where I want to be.  Some are business opportunities (I’m doing my best to monetize instead of getting a real-life J-O-B.  All a j-o-b is going to do is take up time on my daily schedule.  Seriously.  I just have to quit doing things for free…)  Some are terrific-yet-at-the-same-time-horrible ideas that have crossed my mind for a while now and I’m still trying to figure out how to make work in my favor 100% of the attempt from the get go (there are a couple of hurdles yet to overcome before I can guarantee success.  It’s getting closer, however…)

*le sigh* Life happens…daily.  And almost every time I think that I have things lined out successfully?  I hit a snag that backs me up about 70%.
I guess that at least I’m seeing the problems for what they are when they are and that I’m not ignoring the fact that they’re there?…
And they haven’t actually made me walk away from anything.  Simply adapt my proposed methods prior to implimentation…

Any way.

More of this and that and way less stress.
That’s kinda what I’m aiming for in 2018.

I’m tired of struggling.  I’m done being behind on everything that I want to do because I had to reschedule life because of something that someone else could have handled.  Easily.  Before now.  But they didn’t and now ***I*** have to handle it…like RIGHT NOW because if I don’t, there are immediate reprocussions from a higher-level-than-I-am entity.

My goals for the next 53 weeks are steep as fuck.  And they are indeed broken down into week-at-a-time, week-at-a-glance priorities and steps.

I acknowledge that it’s going to be tough.  I acknowledge that I’m going to overthink a lot and that I’m going to want to throw in the towel (possibly first thing tomorrow morning).  I also am very aware that there are going to be parts of it that I can’t share with the world, simply because I can’t explain them with the vocabulary of today.  There are some parts of life that are like explaining how filtered water tastes.  Either you automatically understand it or you won’t until you’ve drank it yourself.

Here’s to the last year of dealing with bullshit.  Period.

We Can’t Make My Life Easy, Can We

Okay…more like “I’m totally a dork ass, aren’t I”…

Yeah.  MUCH more like that second part.

I’m picky.  I’ll admit it.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to my day planner.  I don’t know exactly when in life I developed that idosyncricy, but it happened.
Most days?  I’m not sure what day of the week it is if I haven’t ex-ed out the previous day.  Ask me the date?  HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA….cute.  No idea, really.

I begin keeping my entire life on paper about 7 years ago when I was out to change my life.  I know that much.  In that time, I’ve had one really amazing day planner.
Now?  Now I’ve been looking for the past 2 months, knowing that the end of the year is coming soon, and I can barely find a wall calendar let alone anything that resembles a day planner.

Allow me to restate:  I have, indeed, located a day planner or 2 that will work I guess.  I’m not paying $50+ for something that will work…”I guess”…  Like I said—PICKY.

So I’m kinda thinking that I’m going to have to block out a couple of hours and make my own.  Because, you know, arts & crafts and such…

Beyond that?  I apparently need checklists.  Lots and lots of checklists.
This is the second day this week that I’ve walked out of the house without something.  Today it was my makeup bag & tooth-brush.  I set it on the bathroom counter so I’d remember it.  Looky how well THAT worked.  *le sigh*

See, the majority of the problem is that my brain has 7,968 tabs open at any given time.  At LEAST one of them is playing music.  I’m not sure which one…

Do I simply have “too much” on my proverbial plate?  …probably…
Is that going to change?  It hasn’t since I was about 12 years old, so I’m going to go with “no” as my final answer.

How do I deal with it?  I don’t and that’s 99% of the problem.  I make lists.  And I work diligently to stay on task.  That’s not always easy when you’re counting on other people to pull their own weight in projects in a timely manner.

I have, however, figured out that -as much planning as I do in some areas of my day- there are sections that I completely and totally overlook.  I just hope they fall together…or something…
Example?  Don’t mind if I do…
Since August I’ve been cooking dinner at Momma’s pretty much every night.  Why? Mostly because I can.  I like to cook.  I just hate cooking for only me.  I know Momma is the same way…
The first week I did awesome at plotting out a menu and sticking to it.
Now?  It’s more like “what do I have in the fridge and cupboards and what can I make happen with it all…”
I have to work on that.
Not simply from a planning point of view, but because I just “pinned” like 50 foods-from-around-the-world that I want to try.  You don’t get to try recipes if you don’t PLAN to try them.

So, among other things, I have a mission (if you will) to clean out my Pinterest boards.
…I don’t want to even imagine how long that’s actually going to take…
I saved some really good stuff at one time or another.  I know that.  Thinking about it, I can tell you about a lot of things I saved to one board or another from YEARS ago.
Ah, Pinterest.  The hoarding of digital ideas at it’s finest.  How many of us have boards we haven’t touched anything on…ever?  C’mon.  Admit it…

I know that I have, somewhere on there, a board full of organizational templates.  Maybe I stored an amazing template for a day planner.  Honestly, it’s really frustrating not to be able to find what I think I want!!!  I simply want to plan to stay on task and then have the ability to attempt it to the best of my person.

And I’m old-fashioned on so many levels.  I need to have it on paper.  Digital is fabulous, as well.  Yet nominal, everyday tasks?  I need paper.  I need a calendar.  I need sticky notes (note to self:  I DO need sticky notes.  I’m running dangerously low).

I need to find an organizational template…

I can’t do anything the easy way.
At least not in the last five years or so…

Respect Due

I have a difficult time respecting most people.

Most people’s actions -repeated actions- don’t match their words.  There’s a simple reason why, too.
Ready?

What they SAY they believe is not truly what they believe.  
You will ALWAYS act according to your true beliefs.  And no one can tell you any different from what you believe either.  (This is why I refuse to have a discussion on religion or faith or spirituality with almost anyone)  You have to experience the challenge to your truth of belief and REALLY understand it’s implications before you will examine your actions.  And most often, people do not respect themselves enough not to deny what has happened.  They brush it off.  They fall back into their habits that put them in a situation to blame others in the first place.

I respect people who will make decisions when they are needed…not on a Monday or on the first of the year.

I respect people who can look at me, sometimes with tears in their eyes, and admit that its THEIR fault and no one else’s.
Accepting the fact that YOU are solely responsible for EXACTLY where you are in life based on everything you have or have not said and everything you have or have not done is the true sign of adulthood.
Some of us reached that long before others.  Some of y’all never will get there…

I respect people who understand that they are leaders and accept that silently, yet lead loudly through actions – even when it doesn’t make them friends.

I respect people who openly tell me what they EXPECT from me and my behaviors if I’m not living up to who they know that I am.

I respect people who live their passion and understand how their passion fits into the bigger scheme of things.

I respect people who think the box is overrated.

I respect the people who understand that they cannot save everyone…and even if they could?  It’s not a good idea.  Lead, yes.  Save?  No.

I respect the people who can live within the little moments where life is for hours and days.

I respect the people who challenge my thinking and challenge their own.

I respect people who know that the surface is the SURFACE and that only 5% of the oceans are explored.

I respect people who understand that looks aren’t important, yet it’s important that you look good to feel good…and that that’s different to everyone.

I respect people who respect your dreams and will look you dead in the face, two inches from your nose and tell you -loudly- “THAT’S NOT BIG ENOUGH, WOMAN!  YOU’RE THINKING TOO SMALL!  …and you know it….”

I respect people who understand that people do NOT change.  That habits and behaviors are reflections of beliefs that people hold at their core.  That those habits and behaviors may adjust for a moment or a few weeks, but they never truly change.  Because people do not change.

I respect people who can view their ideas and actions in conjunction with others’ lives and make comment on what was said and what has happened…and raise the question of whether or not we’re done trying to figure out why because neither of us are okay with it…

I respect people who dig deeper even when it hurts because growth is neither automatic nor painless.

To the few who I know are these?
RESPECT DUE

Challenges

One of the greatest things about my favoritest human on this planet?  My Bestest challenges the hell out of me.  Seriously.

I get a lot of conversations that have to be replayed…or lines that don’t necessarily make sense in the moment, but stick and become part of the puzzle that is fitting together a few days (or weeks) later.

The challenges that are outlined for me are logical.  They are things that MAKE SENSE based on my lifestyle and beliefs of two very similar, twinny-energies.  They are simply things that I didn’t think about (some days its really nice having a second brain in my life walking around dealing with other things so that it can bring back to me ideas or thoughts that I didn’t come up with in my typical mayhem for the day.  Other times?  REALLY frustrating because it points out details or thought lines that I was really trying to ignore).

Like I’m currently on this challenge to get 5 hours of sleep a day.  I think that it was implied that those 5 hours are to be all together and not spread out in naps through out the day…
…in fact?  I know that’s what was meant.
DAMMIT.

I have a challenge in front of me as well to use renewable resources and reclaimed materials in the reconstruction projects on the family property.  While I had already figured this in to my planning for my farm house and property (8 years out)?  I hadn’t considered it for the family property project that I’m working on.  Well.  It wasn’t really handed to me as a challenge, as much as an “I expect you to…” statement.
Understandable, really.  I’m smart enough to know that the benefits will be worth the cost, time, research, and education.
…and here I had hoped (against hope, really…especially when I was informed that there’s no possible way I could make this project happen in the first place) this rebuild would be fast and simple and cheap.  I knew better about those facts too, though.  It’s called “denial” kids…and I try to live there every once in a while for a moment or two…  *sigh*

I’m beginning to believe that life is LIVED in a series of moments created by the acceptance of challenges from the Best people in life who want to see you continue to grow and evolve.

If the people around you aren’t challenging your thinking, your conversation, your beliefs, and the way you are currently existing?
Chances are that you’re hanging around with the wrong people.
…you should fix that.

Warning:  Those people are intense.  They don’t make life any easier because they refuse to accept society or to go with the flow.  They have a tendency to live hard.  They experience deeply.  Intense moments have to be had…and then discussed (trust me on this.  And?  Its super difficult to have those discussions afterwards.  Been there…recently)…
Growth and evolution are never pain-free, though.  Chances are that the biggest breakdown in your life happens moments before the largest evolution and elevation does.  Seriously.  I’m beginning to figure that part out…

So on to some added work in order to fulfill my commitment to growth.
I got this.

Coffee & Whiskey

Not at the same time.  Don’t worry.  I know what the actual combination of those two things has the potential to create in my life:
Havoc.  Chaos.  Mayhem.

Wait.  I LIKE mayhem.  I’m actually GOOD at mayhem!  Maybe I need to rethink this….

No.  I definitely do NOT need to rethink this one.  I will not be mixing my breakfast with my alcohol.
Not at this point in my life, at least.
Give me a year, yet.

(Current music:  “Something For the Pain” by Redlight King)

I simply know that that’s where I am in life.
Coffee and whiskey.
A lot of both most days.

Do I have a “problem”?  …maybe.  But it ain’t like you think.  Trust me.
I mean, I strictly identify with an awful lot of Whitey Morgan’s music right now…but I’m actually okay with that, so…

Nah.  It’s simply been a rough day, people-interaction-wise.  I mean, what day isn’t, really.  But today I may have asked the guy in front of me at Meijer who tied his shoes for him because it wasn’t obvious that it WASN’T him that tied them.  That was far too overly complicated for him…
What.  It was a rough day for me, contemplating others’ idiocy…

Any who.  I sit here, at my former WDHQ, working on a plan out for the next 6 weeks…
…realizing I need a new date book for 2018 (expense)…
…realizing how far I’ve strayed from where I was 3 years ago simply because I’ve clarified the milestones I intend on hitting with ferocity during this journey…
…seeing how some of my idols have advanced themselves while working for themselves in the past 3 years….

I’ve had to come to a number of slightly painful realizations.

The biggest is that I’ve not been working for MYSELF for the past 3 years at all….but for other people.
I mean, I file my own taxes and am responsible for my own health care insurance, etc…
I mean that I’ve been working to better other people at my expense.  The expense of time, money, expertise, and stress.

And I need to stop that.  Seriously.  Right. Now.

It’s not as easy as that sounds, either.

When you can be your OWN motivation?  That’s a dangerous new level of holy-shit-ness.  And freedom from society.

Freedom, by the way, is a little scary.  Okay fuck it.  It’s WAY scary.  WAAAAAAAY scary.  Like…

ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF AND MY FAILURE OR MY SUCCESS.

I mean, that’s truth anyway.
It’s just scary to have that running through my head…

…I need more coffee