How Hard Is This, Really…

Harder than it sounds, really.

I came across a very valid tweet today.
“I’VE ALWAYS SHIED AWAY FROM THE IDEA OF #SELFLOVE UNTIL I WAS IN MY LATE 20’S.  IT’S NOT AS EASY AS PEOPLE MAKE IT OUT TO BE.  WHY IS IT SO MUCH EASIER TO BE KIND, LOVING, FORGIVING, AND COMPASSIONATE WITH OTHERS THAN YOURSELF?  #BRAVETOLOVEME

Some very valid questions there.  Why is it so difficult to remember the good that we are personally as self???  Why do we view whatever part of us we’re viewing as inherently bad or not good enough???
WHERE DID THIS COME FROM???

I’d like to really think about all of that for a while.  Because personally?  I don’t have answers personally or across the board on it.  (I can never really use my personal experiences for psych questions.  I’ve not had a typical life or any typical interpersonal interactions of any type at any point in my life.  Ever.)

It’s an interesting psychological concept to tackle, though.  It touches so very much…

We depend so much on society to fulfill us.  I again I ask:
What if we simply decided to handle it ourselves?  Does that make us less of a “society”?  Or does taking responsiblity for self and refusing to allow others to determine how we’ve filled our needs within the “hierarchy” actually make us more creative, more self-sufficient, and more available to others?

…odd concept, isn’t it?  Taking care of self makes us more available to other people…

But it very much does.

That, however, may be the topic for a complete OTHER entry — I don’t know…

*sigh*

I think I need to tackle the ramifications of this individual tweet, first…

I’ll be back.

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There Are So Many Things to DO!

I’m pretty sure that I’m back to that “not enough hours in my day” thing.
And I’m 1000%  sure that there’s many simple solutions.

I don’t want to hear any of them.

Look.  It’s not about denial.  I’m well aware that I tend to take on too much all the damn time.  I don’t need your reminder on that one.

It’s that I take things on for reasons.  Like, oh I don’t know, they HAVE TO BE DONE or I want what I want out of my life.

So, as I sit here drinking my coffee with my binder open and my to-do lists half made and my datebook full of sticky notes…

*sigh*  I think that a lot of my problems always stem from the same things:
I have a problem with priorities.

Not MY priorities.  I have my own in check.

It’s simple…people come to me when they have problems.  Always.  Apparently I can solve anything?  I don’t fucking know.  Anyway.  It’s NEVER an easy problem.  It’s NEVER EVER something that I can work on for a few weeks.  It’s ALWAYS a fucking forest fire.
Good hell, folks.  C’mon.

You know, Trix, you could simply say no…

Yeah…when was the last time you passed on putting out a forest fire???  You can’t.  It just ain’t right.

And I’m beginning to feel really fucking used.  People just know you won’t say no if it’s urgent, so they wait.
I mean, it backfires on them because they’re GONNA GET LECTURED and cussed out and I’m really good with the bitchy attitude through the entire thing…
But it always gets done and my hands are always involved.

Because really I don’t need sleep to do my own shit.
…and then I unwind with a couple days without sleep.  Yeah.  I can be an idiot…

The unwinding tho?  TOTALLY worth it every time.  I would go absolutely CRAZY if I didn’t have those days.  I do, indeed, recognize my limits on dealing with reality.  And the more crash and stupid it becomes, the more I need to survive thru zen and music and laughter, so…

That incredible moment when the answer lies in the music blaring through your skull…I’m there.  

You know what?  Never mind.  I just figured it totally out.
Again.
Because of the words against melody.

I stand by the idea that music holds all the answers.  Always.

…I gotta go.  Sunday night and all means shit to do before the sun comes up…

Let’s Fix Some Common Misconceptions About Life (part 1)

There are things that I detest.  A LOT of things that I detest.

Waiting, for example.  I am NOT a patient person.

I am not fond of having to ponder imponderables, either.

Like right now.
As I work through one of the challenges offered to me (fuck “offered”.  I don’t get challenges “OFFERED” to me to choose whether or not to accept.
I get offers THRUST in to my life because I NEED them to move forward and up) put into my life, I find myself at one hell of an intersection — both professionally and personally.

I don’t know how to maneuver through it, either.  *le sigh*

I think it will be simplified if I talk it out.
Maybe.
Possibly not.  Actually?  PROBABLY not.  I’ll probably wind up with several more totally legitimate challenges to deal with.

How in the actual fuck at 37 years of age am I so damned confused about so much???

Oh.  That makes sense: BECAUSE “SOCIETY” IS TOTALLY FUCKING FUCKED THE FUCK UP.

Legit answer to a stupid question, honestly…

I have discovered that I’m not content (GASP.  Noooooooo.  Say it ain’t so…) in my current life plan.  Or at least my current “career” plan.  HOWEVER, I am content enough with it for now to continue.  Money pays for things even though it’s not worth anything and I like food, so…
I’m simply having a difficult time justifying how I’m going about things right this moment.

Can You even imagine if I could find the courage to highly disappoint my mother and do what I know that I could?  Can You even IMAGINE?!?!?!  *sigh*  I can.  I get a taste of what it is every once in a while… …for which I will always be thankful!  

And honestly?  There’s an entire slate of things that I SHOULD be doing anyway!
The absolute insanity of it all is that I’m 37 years old.

Thirty SEVEN.

…is this a “mid-life crisis”?  Lawrd I fekin hope not!  I’m not ready to have this be mid-of-my-life!

…only partially because I have a shitton of things to see and do and experience yet.
Okay MOSTLY because I have a shitton of things to see and do and experience and learn and become yet.

Also?  Because I am SO DAMN CONFUSED.

So what do I do?  Do I call up my Bestest and ramble and hope for an answer (also, if you weren’t laughing hysterically by the 5th word of that question?  You don’t actually know me at all!  I don’t use my phone for that!)?  Or do I write it out and hope to find a suitable answer within the lines and arrows and doodles that inevitably will cover the page of writing as always?  Or do I continue typing sentences and paragraph breaks that only make sense to me?

Or quite possibly just jump…

…they always say the best time to jump is when you’re scared…

One Day at A Time

How difficult would it be for my life to take the “calendar” approach?  One day at a time.  You know, instead of pitching them at me 4 or 5 at a time.

This is some how totally my fault.  I know this.
Doesn’t make moments of my day any less frustrating at times.

I walked into the diner tonite. (For record?  The date is January 14th)
There is a sign on the door about their Valentine’s Day special.
In a month.

Shall we start with the fact that St. Valentine’s Day isn’t ANYTHING like you plan to observe it as?  No?  Why not?  Oh.  Hallmark.  Right.  My bad…

Anyway.  I feel like my birthday was YESTERDAY….and here we are, planning for the MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY?!?!?!? Already.

I can’t take this. Some where, I lost all of December and 3/4 of November.  I am not prepared to lose January as well!!!

*sigh*

Alright.  I’ve got this.  I have to.  I have no choice, at all.
How in the world I’m going to do it, I’m not sure yet (I can’t say that I’ve ever put together a complete and through hard-copy press packet in my entire life!!!  This is going to take some research, first thing).
I like the challenges that life presents to me and that are handed to me because they PUSH ME beyond what I think.  That’s very important, since I’m constantly attempting to be better than I currently am.

Some days, it simply becomes full to the brim.  And weeding out what no longer fits takes time as well.  Figuring out exactly what is worth continuing?  Figuring out what I need to continue in order to complete what is in front of me?  It all takes sorting.  Sorting takes time.

Time is the issue most days.  Okay, pretty much every day.
I can plot and plan and email and implement and moniter and even DO every single day…
…and I’m not done yet.

I know that it’s part of living and making a living.
And I really ENJOY what I do.

And I’m treasured to have some incredibly fun times to unwind for hours at a pop once in a while!

There’s something else.  I can’t quite explain it.

Part of it, I’m aware as I struggle to locate the words to best express what’s in my mind currently, is fear.  Fear for a lot of reasons.
I mean, let’s be real: if I can’t even put it into words?  Can I?  Should I? Will I be able to? Has it been done? What about the reprocussions? *sigh*
I know…those are the problems, Trix.  How’s about you find the solutions.

Bad news:  Those are in regards to the solutions I’ve already found.

I’m not a negative person.  I simply know that just because you’ve recognized a solution doesn’t mean there won’t be PROBLEMS with the solution.  Find the problems, solve for “y”.  Yeah.  I’m there…

Problem example?  Solar paneling for electrical energy consumptive use.  Sounds easy: buy solar panels, have wired and installed.  Done.
Not so much.

Do you know you need PERMITS???  And shall we, for a moment, consider the cost…
…let’s leave alone the facts that finding installation services is a nightmare.

So I start digging, and along the way I find many many many more problems into this project.  Some of them are simple.  Some I know nothing about and must research and email questions on.  Some are complex and need to be broken down and solved.
It all takes time.

There are moments that I feel like I learned NOTHING during my childhood.  I mean, I totally know different.  I simply feel like it…

 

 

More and Less

I don’t make New Year resolutions.

Pretty much because I don’t have the time to keep them.

And if I’m going to make a change to my life?  I’m not waiting until the calendar turns over the morning after my birthday.

Yes, my birthday is really New Year’s eve.  No, it’s not as awesome as one would think.
Just ONE YEAR I would like to be asked to go out for my birthday instead of NYE festivities.

ANYWHO.

So I’m working on a bunch of stuff.  Some was committed to because it was pointed out to me.  Some of it is stuff that has been expected of me for the longest time and that -honestly- I’ve been slacking on and using several [fabulous] excuses for.

Some are new-to-me ideas on how to get where I want to be.  Some are business opportunities (I’m doing my best to monetize instead of getting a real-life J-O-B.  All a j-o-b is going to do is take up time on my daily schedule.  Seriously.  I just have to quit doing things for free…)  Some are terrific-yet-at-the-same-time-horrible ideas that have crossed my mind for a while now and I’m still trying to figure out how to make work in my favor 100% of the attempt from the get go (there are a couple of hurdles yet to overcome before I can guarantee success.  It’s getting closer, however…)

*le sigh* Life happens…daily.  And almost every time I think that I have things lined out successfully?  I hit a snag that backs me up about 70%.
I guess that at least I’m seeing the problems for what they are when they are and that I’m not ignoring the fact that they’re there?…
And they haven’t actually made me walk away from anything.  Simply adapt my proposed methods prior to implimentation…

Any way.

More of this and that and way less stress.
That’s kinda what I’m aiming for in 2018.

I’m tired of struggling.  I’m done being behind on everything that I want to do because I had to reschedule life because of something that someone else could have handled.  Easily.  Before now.  But they didn’t and now ***I*** have to handle it…like RIGHT NOW because if I don’t, there are immediate reprocussions from a higher-level-than-I-am entity.

My goals for the next 53 weeks are steep as fuck.  And they are indeed broken down into week-at-a-time, week-at-a-glance priorities and steps.

I acknowledge that it’s going to be tough.  I acknowledge that I’m going to overthink a lot and that I’m going to want to throw in the towel (possibly first thing tomorrow morning).  I also am very aware that there are going to be parts of it that I can’t share with the world, simply because I can’t explain them with the vocabulary of today.  There are some parts of life that are like explaining how filtered water tastes.  Either you automatically understand it or you won’t until you’ve drank it yourself.

Here’s to the last year of dealing with bullshit.  Period.

We Can’t Make My Life Easy, Can We

Okay…more like “I’m totally a dork ass, aren’t I”…

Yeah.  MUCH more like that second part.

I’m picky.  I’ll admit it.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to my day planner.  I don’t know exactly when in life I developed that idosyncricy, but it happened.
Most days?  I’m not sure what day of the week it is if I haven’t ex-ed out the previous day.  Ask me the date?  HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA….cute.  No idea, really.

I begin keeping my entire life on paper about 7 years ago when I was out to change my life.  I know that much.  In that time, I’ve had one really amazing day planner.
Now?  Now I’ve been looking for the past 2 months, knowing that the end of the year is coming soon, and I can barely find a wall calendar let alone anything that resembles a day planner.

Allow me to restate:  I have, indeed, located a day planner or 2 that will work I guess.  I’m not paying $50+ for something that will work…”I guess”…  Like I said—PICKY.

So I’m kinda thinking that I’m going to have to block out a couple of hours and make my own.  Because, you know, arts & crafts and such…

Beyond that?  I apparently need checklists.  Lots and lots of checklists.
This is the second day this week that I’ve walked out of the house without something.  Today it was my makeup bag & tooth-brush.  I set it on the bathroom counter so I’d remember it.  Looky how well THAT worked.  *le sigh*

See, the majority of the problem is that my brain has 7,968 tabs open at any given time.  At LEAST one of them is playing music.  I’m not sure which one…

Do I simply have “too much” on my proverbial plate?  …probably…
Is that going to change?  It hasn’t since I was about 12 years old, so I’m going to go with “no” as my final answer.

How do I deal with it?  I don’t and that’s 99% of the problem.  I make lists.  And I work diligently to stay on task.  That’s not always easy when you’re counting on other people to pull their own weight in projects in a timely manner.

I have, however, figured out that -as much planning as I do in some areas of my day- there are sections that I completely and totally overlook.  I just hope they fall together…or something…
Example?  Don’t mind if I do…
Since August I’ve been cooking dinner at Momma’s pretty much every night.  Why? Mostly because I can.  I like to cook.  I just hate cooking for only me.  I know Momma is the same way…
The first week I did awesome at plotting out a menu and sticking to it.
Now?  It’s more like “what do I have in the fridge and cupboards and what can I make happen with it all…”
I have to work on that.
Not simply from a planning point of view, but because I just “pinned” like 50 foods-from-around-the-world that I want to try.  You don’t get to try recipes if you don’t PLAN to try them.

So, among other things, I have a mission (if you will) to clean out my Pinterest boards.
…I don’t want to even imagine how long that’s actually going to take…
I saved some really good stuff at one time or another.  I know that.  Thinking about it, I can tell you about a lot of things I saved to one board or another from YEARS ago.
Ah, Pinterest.  The hoarding of digital ideas at it’s finest.  How many of us have boards we haven’t touched anything on…ever?  C’mon.  Admit it…

I know that I have, somewhere on there, a board full of organizational templates.  Maybe I stored an amazing template for a day planner.  Honestly, it’s really frustrating not to be able to find what I think I want!!!  I simply want to plan to stay on task and then have the ability to attempt it to the best of my person.

And I’m old-fashioned on so many levels.  I need to have it on paper.  Digital is fabulous, as well.  Yet nominal, everyday tasks?  I need paper.  I need a calendar.  I need sticky notes (note to self:  I DO need sticky notes.  I’m running dangerously low).

I need to find an organizational template…

I can’t do anything the easy way.
At least not in the last five years or so…

Respect Due

I have a difficult time respecting most people.

Most people’s actions -repeated actions- don’t match their words.  There’s a simple reason why, too.
Ready?

What they SAY they believe is not truly what they believe.  
You will ALWAYS act according to your true beliefs.  And no one can tell you any different from what you believe either.  (This is why I refuse to have a discussion on religion or faith or spirituality with almost anyone)  You have to experience the challenge to your truth of belief and REALLY understand it’s implications before you will examine your actions.  And most often, people do not respect themselves enough not to deny what has happened.  They brush it off.  They fall back into their habits that put them in a situation to blame others in the first place.

I respect people who will make decisions when they are needed…not on a Monday or on the first of the year.

I respect people who can look at me, sometimes with tears in their eyes, and admit that its THEIR fault and no one else’s.
Accepting the fact that YOU are solely responsible for EXACTLY where you are in life based on everything you have or have not said and everything you have or have not done is the true sign of adulthood.
Some of us reached that long before others.  Some of y’all never will get there…

I respect people who understand that they are leaders and accept that silently, yet lead loudly through actions – even when it doesn’t make them friends.

I respect people who openly tell me what they EXPECT from me and my behaviors if I’m not living up to who they know that I am.

I respect people who live their passion and understand how their passion fits into the bigger scheme of things.

I respect people who think the box is overrated.

I respect the people who understand that they cannot save everyone…and even if they could?  It’s not a good idea.  Lead, yes.  Save?  No.

I respect the people who can live within the little moments where life is for hours and days.

I respect the people who challenge my thinking and challenge their own.

I respect people who know that the surface is the SURFACE and that only 5% of the oceans are explored.

I respect people who understand that looks aren’t important, yet it’s important that you look good to feel good…and that that’s different to everyone.

I respect people who respect your dreams and will look you dead in the face, two inches from your nose and tell you -loudly- “THAT’S NOT BIG ENOUGH, WOMAN!  YOU’RE THINKING TOO SMALL!  …and you know it….”

I respect people who understand that people do NOT change.  That habits and behaviors are reflections of beliefs that people hold at their core.  That those habits and behaviors may adjust for a moment or a few weeks, but they never truly change.  Because people do not change.

I respect people who can view their ideas and actions in conjunction with others’ lives and make comment on what was said and what has happened…and raise the question of whether or not we’re done trying to figure out why because neither of us are okay with it…

I respect people who dig deeper even when it hurts because growth is neither automatic nor painless.

To the few who I know are these?
RESPECT DUE