Protected: A Day In The Life…October 1st 2017

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Some Day Has Arrived

Sounds illogical, right?  The running theory is that “someday” never arrives…

…which is why we put things off until then. Procrastination at its very finest.

What happens when we decide that today is Someday and make an effort to just DO?

Actually, that makes a lot of sense.  Just Do.

We put off things…everything if we could. Everyone has reasons.  Excuses.  Everyone has EXCUSES as to why we don’t want to do things  Mostly, we’re either lazy or afraid or both.

I’m tired of being lazy.  (Trust me when I say I’m not afraid of ANYTHING at this point in life any more.)  And overloading my schedule is simply a form of procrastination, really.  It’s time to do.

After all, you cannot BE if you do not DO.
That sounds an awful lot more enlightened than it really is…

Today is that day that someday has arrived in my life.
Does that mean that I’m going to get everything I’ve put off until this point caught up immediately?
Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh…no.  It means that I’m going to go through what I’ve written to do “later” and make decisions.  It means I’m either doing it NOW or not at all from now on.  (How exactly is that going to work?  Not 100% sure yet…  This is kinda a work-in-progress and develop-the-strategy-as-I-go type of thing.  Soooo…basically like the rest of my life lately…)

Today is here.  Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not promised.
Do. Be. Evolve. Know. Become. Level the fuck up.

The Problem With Self-Awareness

Or criticism.  Pretty much the same thing if you’re me.

In the 2 years that I had actively pursued modeling, I attended approximately 15 open calls and auditions.
I have my call sheets.  I have the notes.
I attended coaching sessions.
I have the notes from those as well.

I know where my work needs to focus.

Doesn’t make my life easier.  Seriously.

The pieces listed by other people (my faults) are the same things I’ve always seen about myself.
Add entertainer into the mix…singer, specifically….and I have my work cut out for me.
Can I get another 18 hours in my day, please?  PLEASE?!?!?!?


No?  Okay.  I’ll make it work.
I have to.

The 16-year-old niece is poised to have my life in 20 years.  For real.  Same attitude.  Same realistic views of life that argue with what she really wants to do.  Same PCOS diagnosis.  Same low tolerance for bullshit (and the same avoidance of having female friends.  She also has very little use for the manipulation, the emotional, the whiny, the emotional manipulation, and the DRAMA they always bring).
Dammit.  The middle one pretty much LOOKS like my twin.  The eldest one has the same LIFE.  I don’t know which is worse.

…also?  Do I need any other arguments as to why I do NOT personally need children???

Anyway.  Having nieces and nephews and friends with kids?  It means I can’t just talk the talk about taking care of yourself and living loud.  I have to live it.

Because these are KIDS.  They look up to adults.  They do actually listen.  I want them to LIVE as they continue to grow and become.  I don’t want them to do what so many of their generation(s) are doing and simply exist.
I want them to SEE that you can and will WIN.  That life is still fulfilling and LIVABLE when people exit your life for whatever reason.  That -even though the fairy tale we expect doesn’t exist- you make the decision to continue and do and explore and climb and stay at the table? You will indeed have more fun and be more fulfilled because you are LIVING.  That reaching the dreams?  Totally doable…and that they will change and grow and that that IS okay.  That there is no “final destination” for people who want to continue…the dreams get bigger…it’s NEVER “done” or “accomplished”.
I want them to understand that you don’t ‘leave a legacy’ when you die…that you ARE a legacy.  That it’s more important to LEAD than to boss or manage.

And I’ve got this.

I mean, I don’t have time to nap.  But I’ve got my life.
And I WILL overcome the criticism (constructive or not), personal or professional.

Because?  Because I know its way possible  I got this shit.
…all in the normal 24 hours that normal people get.

I’m not anything special in that aspect.
I’m simply determined, inspired, driven, dedicated, and passionate about LIVING my life on my terms.

Simple.  As.  That.

In Progress

The moment that a rebranding in you brain happens is the moment that your life changes.


Well, sort of.

For me -right now- it’s about going back to what I started at.

I immersed myself in social media, PR (Public Relations), networking, and SEO (search engine optimization) because I understand it quite easily and I am good at it (okay…everything except that SEO part.  That’s a challenge yet).
It pays the bills and I can do most of it without thinking -when clients want to actually listen to the advice and information that they pay me to give to them [side note: when they finally give in, and they always do, it works well].

Yet?  It’s not what I want to do.

I’ve always had dreams and goals far beyond the scope of the computer screen.  And it took my Bestest SCREAMING it at me to remind me of that.
I mean, not that I forgot really.
But I did put everything on the back burner and lost a LOT of enthusiasm and even self-confidence about it while attempting live my life and keep my head above water…

Reasons that my Bestest is indeed my favorite human of all time?  He’s not afraid to call me out -very loudly when necessary!- on my stupid.
…and occasionally I even get the message.

So, I’m back to it.  Back to building a brand around what I want to do in this world.
Back to pushing myself harder than ever before.
Am I going to go to school this fall?  Well hell.  I got in, so yes.  Will my major(s) change?  Probably.  I’m not sure how this will all work yet…but I know that I have 3 semesters of essentially “general” credits anyway.  I have time.

Social media will stay part of my life for now.  It brings in the day-to-day income that feeds me (have I mentioned that I like food???).  I’ll probably never truly be out of it.
But my self FOCUS is much bigger.  I have goals and I have deadlines.

So what’s up first?
Rebuilding my wardrobe.  I’m a clothes-horse…but I’m going to do this much better.  I went through EVERYTHING that I own and am down to about an eighth of what I had (watch the local thrift shoppes, folks.  It’ll appear).
Getting myself back to where I was physically.  I have made progress already this year, but I need to be much more dedicated to it -no matter how vain that seems.
Expanding my vocal range.  I work on it…occassionally.  But not enough and not to the point where I’m actually gaining sufficient tonality with expansion.

I’ve got this.  I know I do.
And it means stepping out of my “social media” hat and focusing on everything else instead.  It won’t be easy, as it’s how I’ve identified myself in the past 2 years.  Social media has been first for that time, and I’ve been basically nothing else.  A social media maven with a karaoke hobby…
Time to change that.

Am I freaked?  Mostly.  Am I scared?  Oh definitely.  Am I going to conquer?  Dude.  My mother didn’t raise me to fail, so…
And I’m sure I’ll wind up off track again.
Eh.  That’ll be taken care of.  I’ve got amazing humans in my corner.

I’m more than a work in progress.
I’m on a mission.

How Is It May Already?

I’m well aware that I’m a week late acknowledging that fact, too…so STFU.

It’s not that I haven’t been paying attention.  I have.  Trust me.  I “X” days off in my datebook quite regularly, thank you very much.  I consult my calendar to figure out what day it really is (what.  Sometimes I maintain the sleep schedule of a full-time crack whore.  Sue me).  I ask around.

I’ve asked.
It’s May.

But WHERE THE HELL DID APRIL GO?!?!?!  It’s like I missed an entire month…in it’s entirety!  Like…I know there were a couple of days that I functioned…that I did stuff.  But like -oh I don’t know- TWENTY-FOUR OUT OF THIRTY DAYS???  I have zero idea what I did.

…do I have auto-pilot???   I feel like I may have unintentionally activated THAT somehow…
…didn’t even realize it was present on this model…


I’m not stressing.  I am, however, having to reschedule and realign.

Now.  Only PART of that is because I lost track of the man-made concept of time.
PART of it is because I got my full medical results back.

And while they’re not bad [as they could be], I am on a mission to regulate what I can through minimal medications / supplements.  I KNOW that if I put the work into getting the correct levels of fuel in and putting the forth the effort in physical activity and training…that I can get my body to function at it’s peak.

It’s not an easy thing to do, however.

Numero Uno?  My work and school schedule supercede EVERYTHING.  …yeah.  I gotta quit that shit, right?  Except that I like to eat.  A LOT.  Like I enjoy that actual concept of eating…and I eat a lot.  So…there’s that…

Point B) PCOS.  Which is actually both a hinderance to my progress AND what I’m combatting.  Because, you know, it wouldn’t be fun if it weren’t BOTH at the same time.

If you don’t know what PCOS does…well, I can’t totally explain it.  It may or may not be caused by this in one person…which may or may not be fixed by that in someone…which may or may not do this thing here…to someone else…

Yeah.  It’s a never cycle of “we don’t know for sure why or what or how…but we can try this or that or this here…”

It’s exhausting.

And I’m not really sold on any excuse what-so-ever on ANYTHING in life.

So yeah.  It’s not an easy thing for me to wrap my head around…this knowledge that my body should respond this way normally…but since my body is not normal, I’m gonna have to tweak the hell out of, well, EVERYTHING.

*insert exhausted sigh here*

I know that PCOS means, for me, that extra cardio is NOT that answer to weight maintenance.  I know that it means that I have to  rotate my high calorie / low calorie (morning fasts) days.  I know that I have to have a weird macro-spread.  I know that I have to snack

I know all of this.

It’s putting it into action that kinda…well…SUCKS ASS.

Imagine, if you will, having to eat almost every hour on the hour.  Sounds great, right?  WRONG-O.  At some point you really REALLY begin to feel self-aware…that you’re the only one eating…again.
…quick question, hypothetical of course:  Is it not normal to bring pouches of tuna fish to snack on at the bar?  Because…I’m going to have to to make this work…
The mornings where I’m fasting until 9am and I don’t get to eat but EVERYONE ELSE IS??? …can I just lick your cereal?  PLEASE???  SO WANT FOOD…
…when you have to order EVERYTHING on the side if you go out to eat so that YOU CAN HAUL OUT YOUR MEASURING SPOONS AND CUPS AND KITCHEN SCALE AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT EYEBALLING IT WRONG.  Yeah.  That’ll get you odd looks…

Shall we even start in on the looks you get at the gym for lifting heavier than the boys do even though you’re NOT ALL MUSCLE.  It’s enough to get under your skin EXTREMELY QUICKLY.  Yes!  I’m a girl.  NO I’m not spending 90 minutes on the elliptical.  Yes I know how to use the cables and free weights (fuck off.  Seriously).
And then?  Oh forbid that you do something like …oh I don’t know, let’s go with squats or lunges… in line at the grocery store because you’re bored and you KNOW that it’s a good body-weight piece AND it gets your heart rate up enough to increase metabolism…

Yes.  All of that.

And then…




Thank you.

For fuck’s sake.
Like I don’t have enough to deal with.
I actually considered that I might have an eating disorder at one point a couple years back when I was totally on top of my food and training.  You know, at the point where I was meticulous and my hormone levels, my chemical ratios, and my metals where PRETTY GOOD…you know: then….BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY THOUGHT I HAD ONE BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOOO CONCERNED ABOUT MY FOOD THAT I CHANGED MY FUELING HABITS.

Seriously.  I feel almost like I need a doctor’s note to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
What in the actual hell?

I’m not asking you to approve of how I manage my life in order to push towards optimum health for myself.  Fuck.  I don’t care if you like it or not, actually.  I’m not doing what I do for ANYONE but myself.
I am, however, requesting that you REMEMBER that if you give me shit about it (beyond good natured ribbing):  I WILL DROP-KICK YOUR ASS and then I WILL DROP YOUR ASS.
I’m not going to give you shit about your choices.  I may make suggestions or even offer support (or possibly even offer to share food with you…maybe.  Probably not).  But I’m not going to give you shit.  It’s your damn life.  Do what you will with it.
I know that -no matter the circumstance laid out in front of me- I can make the choice that best fits what I need to do to live my life and increase my health (so don’t worry about offending me by suggesting we grab a bite someplace.  I can make it work).

But here are a few tips to make this whole damn thing easier on all of our parts:
– I’ve got this.  Promise.  I am under the supervision of both a doctor and a nutritionist.  They are monitoring me and my progress.
– Yes, I can still drink.  I’ve planned that in.
– Yes, I eat all the time.  Be jealous.  Ask nicely, I might share.  MIGHT.  Probably not.
– Yes, I work out a lot.
– Yes, I DO have to plan everything and try to stick to my plan as best as possible.  In order to do that?  I have to log everything.  Yes, I hate those parts the very most.
– Yes, I take a handful of pills and vitamins several times a day.  I hate it because I hate relying on pills (even if they’re vitamins) to regulate my body.  I also hate swallowing pills in general, so…
– Yes, I supplement my protein intake with protein POWDER.  No, it will not make me bulk up.
– Yes, I will go to the gym with you.  I actually ENJOY going to the gym.  Yes, it is possible for ANYONE to keep up with me at the gym.  I’ve been to the gym with my Momma, as well.
– Yes, I will support YOUR fitness journey…provided you’re doing it with the right mindset.
– No, I will NOT support you taking the easy way out and starving yourself.
– No, I’m not interested in hearing about your tea/pill/shake/etc.
– No, I do NOT juice cleanse.  At. All.
– No, I will NOT try a fad diet or what not.
– Yes, I CHOOSE to be gluten-light.  My body doesn’t process over-processed wheat well.  I am aware of this.
– No, PCOS is not “curable”.
– No, I do NOT know what causes PCOS.  Neither do the experts.
– No, I do not know exactly what the effects of PCOS on me personally are…and neither does my doctor(s).  Odd thing about that body: it’s complex as fuck.
– Yes, I will answer your questions regarding my personal journey with PCOS and weight and my health in general.  In fact, once you ask I will probably tell you a whole lot more than you actually want to know.
– No, you having desert does not offend me.  I can have desert, too.  Believe me.
– No, I’m not going to turn down trying a bite of your food.  So if you’re offering?  You’d better be damn serious.
– No, you can’t “work off” that candy bar.  That’s not the way it works…
– No, I don’t do “cheat days”.  You don’t get to cheat at life.  You’re either in or you’re out.
– Yes, I can indeed adjust my plan mid-day.
– No, if I “screw up” a day I don’t screw up everything.  I just adjust the next few days the best I can.
-Yes, I can still go to a buffet…and get my money’s worth.
– Actually?  I weigh more than you think…and I always probably will.
– No, I will never hit my BMI “goal” weight…and not only am I okay with that, but my doctor is as well.
– Actually I AM doing this for me.  But thanks for assuming that I live my life for other people.  (can we say “shallow”?  Because…holy shallow)
– Yes, I am aware of the time involved planning, doing, and logging everything.  It looks a bit complusive doesn’t it.  It kinda is.  But it’s not an unhealthy obsession.  That would be like telling a diabetic that it’s unhealthy obsession to be as concerned with their blood sugar levels as they HAVE TO BE.
– No, I STILL don’t like to run…and I probably never will.  But that’s okay.
– Yes, I do indeed do some running.  It’s not pretty.
And finally:
– I really do not care what your opinions are about my conditions.  You don’t have access to my medical records…so you honestly do not have the faintest of clues what I’m living through.

Okay.  There.  I’m pretty much done.

I’m off to snack (I’m STARVING).
And to plan my workouts for this week.
I’ve so got this…