Some Days Are Harder Than Others

The last 2 weeks have been easy motivation for me.  I’ve had things that I’ve wanted to do, so I have to get done what I’ve needed to do in order to participate in what I’ve wanted.

I’ve been a damn adult.
…do I get a gold star or something?  I feel like there should be a “successful adult” rewards chart…

For all the sense of purpose that I’ve found since August, it’s only been in the last 3 weeks that any of it has made sense as to how it comes together (and even now I have to admit that I’m still perplexed at parts of it.  More on that later).

It’s difficult for me some days to function.  There’s an overwhelming sense of whyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!? a lot of the time.  Example?  Showers.  I know, I know: take a damn shower, chica.  You smell funny.
Do you realize how much work goes into showering?  And exfoliation?  And shaving?  And a whole host of other in-shower activities (basic foot care…hair care…etc)?  And THEN???  Then you have to moisturizer and REmoisturize and dry your hair and TREAT your hair and then there’s makeup and hairstyle and outfit…
I know.  I don’t have to do all of that.  But in another (two) respects?  Yes, yes I do.

One:  I deserve it.  I deserve to put my best self forward.  There’s no reason for me to go around NOT looking my best.  Now.  I’m not talking about photo-shoot hair and makeup.  Just normal enhancement and emphasis (I post enough without-makeup selfies that you can see there’s not MUCH of a difference when I wear makeup).

Two:  I want to look my best because it’s a direct reflection on others and on my upbringing.  It really is.

Besides.  I’m trying to re-solidfy MY look, so that when I get back in front of a camera (in March), I’m comfortable and natural in it.  Trust me that it shows if you’re not.


But it can be a challenge to talk myself into doing ALL THAT WORK, when I could be doing something else.

It’s the same with a lot of activities in life.
Yet?  You don’t succeed if you only grind on the days you feel good.

A lot of time, though, there’s an overwhelming sense of “does it really matter” in my head.  It’s part of my depression.  I know this.

Part of it, as well, has been that I’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff on my plate.  I put it there.  I am aware.  I took it on.  And I’m not complaining about it.  I wanted to eat…I made the decisions.  I was just at a point that I really had no direction as to what order to do things in.  Everything seemed equally important.

Don’t ask what, in the last 2 weeks, has clarified things.  It’s harder to explain than you’d think.

But being forced to accomplish double what I planned in the same amount of time so that I could adjust my functionality a bit to do what I want?  It’s made a number of priority adjustments to my sense of self and to the way that I want to accomplish things.

Has it made it any easier to get motivated at times?  Uh…no.  It has not.
I break down what needs to be done into smaller tasks…and that, in itself, can make something (as normal and simple as SHOWERING) seem very overwhelming.

So…what changed?  C’mon.  Clue us in…
I would really like to share that…but the truth is, it’s really a difficult thing to explain.  Part of it is simply that my brain straightened out something that I couldn’t quite -no matter how much I would have liked to say that I had in the past 5 months- wrap my brain around.  I don’t have it all figured out…but maybe it’s better that way anyway.  You know what they say about expectations.

In the last year, my life has taken on quite the twist of what I actually know.  I know a lot MORE…and am a lot different (as opposed to knowing less than I’d wagered) than I had ever figured.  Some of that is okay.  Some is horrible.  Really.  But it’s who I am and explains a lot, really.

But it also means that this self-discovery process that I had thought I had mastered?  Not even close to over.  However!  I am certain that I am on the correct track on this (why? Because the answers -while shocking and upsetting in some aspects- I don’t have to fight for.  I guess I really had been fighting to be and to think some of what I thought I was?  I don’t know.  I told you: difficult to explain).
Part of me has found home.  And it’s in one of the LAST places I’d ever figured it would be…
…part of me has found HOME…and it hasn’t changed in almost 23 years.

So much of my thinking process has changed in the last 15 days.  It’s had to to make life work.  And I’m still fighting with her daily…I doubt that will ever stop.  But I’m fighting less against myself.  I’m breathing more.  I’m smiling more.  I know where HOME and home are…and I have come to realize how lucky I am that I haven’t thrown everything away trying to “save” anyone else (yes, I’m selfish) from themselves {I’ll admit that I kinda tried to shoot myself in the leg a couple of times last year}.

Even though right now my brain has slightly mellowed and untangled and I feel a whole lot more centered, it still doesn’t mean that days are “easy”.  I still fight with myself over tasks -both small and large.  But I’m fighting less and doing more.  It makes life smoother.  It allows me to take on more.  It allows me to be and know and grow and do.



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