…no more, no less (is that possible???)
Today I had an appointment with a new-to-me counselor. I don’t like seeing counselors, period. I have to live my life everyday, they do not. So their text-book knowledge of how to live with depression is, well depressing. I’ve learned and implemented quite a good-for-me system over the past 9 years (with the aide of one amazing counselor, who is 800 miles from me now). I don’t like having to lay out everything once again so they can take a month to internalize everything and tell me what they think about what I think.
Also? The only reason I MADE this appointment was because I have been having that “spiral” thing happen. I can’t shake the depressed thought line in my brain. The body aches and need-to-nap constantly has been here. I’m snappy at everyone.
Also? I was beginning to fear that I’ve developed anxiety on top of it.
Great news: probably not anxiety. Just a side effect of over-stimulation. Probably.
Also? Still med-free (she didn’t feel it’s needed. We’ll see at a check-in next week how I’m feeling about how I’m handling things). I’m over the top about that part! My experience with meds wasn’t a good one. I’m not looking forward to having to be on them, ever again. Some people can function BETTER on them. I can’t. And it’s frustrating.
So. What’s the cause of this spiral of darkness? Who the hell knows. No. Seriously. That’s never a thing I’m talking to a counselor to figure out. …pretty much because I can’t pinpoint WHEN it started. It’s more important to figure out how to get out of it.
So how am I going to be doing that?
Well, it’s not going to happen over night. It’s not about counting my blessings daily…or thinking happy little bluebird thoughts…it’s not about taking more me time…
It’s about getting back to a few things I haven’t been doing lately. It’s about more music. It’s about getting out with people more often (as much as I loathe people most days). And part of it is going to piss off Willow (sorry, Willow): doing what I’m being given reasons that it can’t be done and doing it anyway (good news is I have to make an appointment with a sports nutritionist -in Milwaukee- to stay on track if I’m serious. Which I am).
I know that being in my own head 24/7 isn’t always the best thing. Working for myself makes it a little more difficult. I can justify not talking to people because I’m working or reading or emailing or in class online or what not. But apparently I’m going to have to, because it’ll be good for me. (Taking bets on how long it takes me to get punched for saying what I really think…go ahead. Organize a pool. Then use it to bail me out when I hit back, please.)
And I know that I push myself hard, too. I’ve fallen off a schedule. I’ve never done schedules well, anyway. But apparently I should try one. Not looking forward to it, really. But hell. I’ll try it.
And not just a daily to-do list either. Back to an actual schedule.
*Side Note: You want ON the schedule? 24 hours notice. Zero exceptions unless it involves loss of life, limb, or eyesight. Sorry folks. #NotSorry
I’m also supposed to make applications for calls in August. And sign up for a few challenging events (do you know I’ve wanted to do Tough Mudder for 4 years and have talked myself out of it for FOUR YEARS???).
And I’m supposed to identify volunteer opportunities. Well…that was on the list for next week anyway.
Sounds like I’m actually ADDING to my mayhem, right? I know!
So I asked about it:
Can I really ….SHOULD I really… be adding to life at this point?
The answer I got was “Yes. You’ll figure out quickly what you want to keep in your life and a schedule will make sure you’re getting food and sleep” (We actually discussed my 4-hours a night as being okay for me, so long as I can function well. If I can’t, I need more. Period.)
I have rarely found counselors refreshing…but this one is.
Moving forward and building. That’s what this is all about. Period.
I’m off. I’ve got stuff to do. Plus? It’s karaoke night!
Catch y’all on the flip