I Was Still Scared (June 18th, 2016)

It’s taken me a long-ass time to up both my self-worth and my confidence level.
I’m serious.

I’m still not anywhere near where I appear to be on either one.  I’m just not.  I know this.


own a lot of midi-tops…and until today?  I’ve never worn a single one of the house.

Not because I’m not proud of my progress.
Nope.  I am.

But because I still have flaws that bug the fuck out of me…just like everyone else on this planet.

Today, however, I didn’t care.  I had a fabulous feeling standing in front of the mirror today…and I rode with it.
And I walked out in my capris and my midi-top…and didn’t think about it until I was over half-way to where I was headed.
then???  Then it hit me.
“My tummy’s NOT flat”
“I still have ‘jiggle’.”
“I’m 35 years old!!!”
“Oh boy…”

…now.  Before I go on with this?  Allow me to say that I wear short skirts and dresses in public.  And I STILL have similar-to-those thoughts about my skater thighs.  Every.  Single.  Time!!!  EVERY time!!!  But I have managed to move past those.  In part, because at the TOP of my skater thighs that are not perfectly toned (yet) is an amazing ass…
…it helps.

So.  What was I expecting when I went out today?  I was expecting staring.  I was expecting someone to say something.  I was expecting someone to point and whisper to a friend.

And guess what?

It didn’t happen.  At all.  Not once.

If it had happened???  What would I have done?
Probably nothing.  I know how far I’ve come.
Yet that line of thought in my head took over…people are going to stare.  People are going to laugh.  People are going to say something.

And they didn’t.  Nope.  Not at all.
Lesson?  I again am my biggest critic…

It also made me recount something from yesterday that I need to share…

Yesterday I went to Charlotte Russe, intent to do some browsing and photos for The Dressing Room Chronicles.
And, with my limited amount of time available to do so, I did.
Found a couple of cute things, too.  I should post the pictures…
But that’s not quite where this is going.

As I was in the dressing rooms, I overheard conversations from other customers.
And the amount of people telling their friends they thought the looked fat in whatever they were trying on was obscene!
It’s more than just the concept of body positivity that pissed me off on this one.
It’s a little selfish, as well.

The majority of clothes in Charlotte Russe are designed for those who are sized 0-12ish.
Until a couple years ago? I never fit in any of them.  Not even close.
And while most CR stores are now carrying a “plus” line, it’s massively limited in styles.
(Let’s also be very clear: CR is more “junior” proportioned in the clothes, too.  As a size 12…ish…I will definitely be needing a BRA in anything I wear.  Trust me.  I can’t wear one in …this…trust me on that, too)
There are a lot of thin, trim, fit, even skinny girls trying on smalls and mediums stating that they’re fat.
Yesterday?  There were not only friends who were agreeing with them…but a couple of their mothers.

Uh, no.

Somewhere, we’re still screwing up this body positive thing…and BADLY at that.  Very VERY badly.  Very badly.

Do I know how to solve this?

Not 100%.  Not even 50%.
But I’ll tell you what I plan to start doing…
(…after having a mini-meltdown with my guru and trainer yesterday, then reading it back today and cussing myself out…)

I’m going to start calling people out on this statement.  I don’t care if I know you or not.  I just do NOT care anymore.

Take a lesson from someone who’s had to learn and relearn it the hard way:
It’s not being “thin” that counts.  It’s NOT the size of your clothes.  It just is NOT.
It’s how you view your body.  That’s what needs to change.

Focus on what you can DO.  That’s when the changes happen.
It doesn’t matter if those changes are in size and composition or in ability…once you get to that point, the changes will happen!
AND you will see yourself differently.

And the whole WORLD will see you differently.

I’ll admit that 1) the mind-set isn’t easy to get into.  I’d be a damn-fool liar if I told you that it was.
Also?  2) it’s not easy to stay in.
Example?  I know that my progress in what I can do is great.  I have things that I want to accomplish…do…try…learn.  That’s where my focus is…mostly.
Except?  Except that in the midst of my inconsistency, the number on the scale has slowly crept back up.  Not much, mind you.  And my clothing size hasn’t changed.  But I do notice that my toning has.
And it’s gotten into my head…that number on the scale (SN: There’s another reason that bothers me…but more about that another time).

So what did I do?
I messaged my guru…with a huge “is this doable” goal.
I KNOW it’s consistency.  I KNOW that it’s about progress.
And today I reread the messages we exchanged and kicked myself mentally.
I hate it when I get stuck in my own head.  I really do…

But there I was again…and partially still am.

We, as a society, need to get over that.  And in order to do that?  We need to change the way we use the “body positive” movement.
This isn’t about beauty.  It never should have been!  It should have been and needs to be about health.

TRUE health.  Not the “health” the diet industry is attempting to sell you.  There’s a difference…

When do we start focusing on what our bodies are capable of?  When do we start focusing on bettering ourselves?  When do we start focusing on the POSITIVE instead of the flaws?  When? When? WHEN???

I’m positive that I have a body.  I’m positive that it’s the ONLY ONE I GET.  I’m positive that I want to be able to participate in life.  And I am positive that I will do what is needed to continue to improve my body and it’s abilities to do things.

And?  I’m absolutely positive that I will be proud of what my body CAN DO right now.

And I’m going to make you see that you’re pretty damn amazing, too (what.  Sometimes we need a little help remembering that).
You want to IMPROVE?  I’ll be your cheerleader if you need one!  Trust me, you’ve got this.

Improve.  That’s that positive part of having a body.  You get the chance EVERY DAY to improve it and your abilities.

Judge on yourself on THAT…not on the size in the clothes or the number on the scale.

Worth. It.



One thought on “I Was Still Scared (June 18th, 2016)

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