Quit It (June 9th, 2016)

Things I spend an awful lot of time saying:
-Who the fuck taught you to drive?!?!?
-I’m going to need you to MOVE…
-Accelerator’s the one on the RIGHT!!!
-THAT’S NOT A LANE!
-Shut. UP!
-No, seriously.  Shut up.
-Who ties your shoelaces for you?
-Oh stop it.
-JesusMaryAndJosephOnAMotorcycle
-Bullshit
-You can do this.  Come on.  I’ll do it with you.
-I’m going to the gym.
-I can’t.  I have to go to the gym.
-That?  That’s not music.
-Turn it up!
-I want to feel the chaos…
-Quit it.

I know.  It’s a list.

But I’ve been saying “quit it” a LOT lately.  And I feel I need to address that.
Why is the whining becoming so damn prevalent in this world lately???  Is it accomplishing ANYTHING?!?!?
No?  Really.  Huh.  I hadn’t noticed that it wasn’t.

So maybe…just maybe it’s time it STOPS.

Enough with the whining already.  QUIT IT.

And while we’re at it?
Enough with the “I can’t do that.  I’m not good at that.  I don’t know how to do that.  People are watching me.”

I can actually tell you to stop thinking that…because my own brain does that to me every day.  It DOES.  Every day in almost every task I face, my brain tells me I’m not good enough.  I can’t do it.  People are watching me…and laughing.  That I’ll never do this, that, or the next thing.

I live with depression.
Some days I suffer.  Most days I live.

Some days I make every thing on my to-do list.
Other days it takes me 3 hours to convince myself that a shower is worth it.

It’s the way my brain functions.

So when I was dealing with a friend having an absolute meltdown today because she couldn’t do something that one of our naturally athletic and naturally coordinated friends can easily do, I may have went off a bit.
Okay.  I did.

I don’t share my journey inside my head with a lot of people.  I know that I sound slightly crazy when I describe how my brain works…but it’s the easiest way for people to understand it.

It frustrates me to watch other people deal with snippets of what I constantly fight.
Not because I want them to have to deal with the full level of BULLSHIT that is my brain.

But because I’ve worked so fucking hard to over come a lot of my own.  And I know it’s possible to push through and survive and thrive when you feel like you can’t go any further.
…but I really don’t want to explain how I know this.

People don’t understand that me having to overcome the fear of everyone within miles watching me and laughing at me is very real in my mind.
I mean, rationally, I know they’re not.  In fact unless I pitch a hissy, no one’s even noticed I’m THERE.  I rationally know this.
But depression, like fear, is anything BUT rational.

So it takes a LOT to remember that I CAN do *insert whatever here*.  I may not be able to do it NOW, but I will.  I may not be able to do it well, but I can get better (they’re called SKILLS.  You can learn and improve on a SKILL.  It just takes practice).  I may not be able to do it without screwing up or slightly hurting myself (example: skateboarding.  OW), but I’m still doing better than those who aren’t even attempting to TRY IT.

And it really frustrates me when I try to explain to people that they too can do it.  That people aren’t watching them.  That it’s okay not to be able to do it well right now.

I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake sense into them!  ESPECIALLY when there are tears involved (I only cry in private -ish…I’ve retreated to the locker room at the gym more times than I care to think about to do so.  Not because I’m not meeting my weight goals or ANYTHING even remotely intimidating like that!  Just because there are people around and I feel like they’re watching the “fat girl”.  So we’re very clear?  I KNOW THAT I’M NOT FAT.  I KNOW THAT.  Yet, the line of thinking in my head?  She still tells me that I am.  And sometimes?  Sometimes I cannot shut her up.  So I go to the locker room and shed some tears of frustration.  Not that people are watching -which they are not!, but that I CAN’T GET OUT OF MY OWN HEAD. )

And I know how frustrating it is to be told “just think positive”.  It doesn’t work like that.  I know that.  If it did?  Depression would be curable, not just manageable.
I can think positive all I want to.  I can give myself pep talks.  I can watch videos.  I can repeat zen-like mantras.
It won’t stop that line of thinking in my head.

You know what does?

Doing whatever I think I can’t do with people watching me.

And I feel pretty fucking badass afterwards, too.

Is it easy?  No.
Do I have to remind myself to breathe? Uh, yup.  I actually will hold my breath.
Do I turn red?  Yes.  Yes I do.  It’s an embarrassment response.

How do I manage to get past the fear?
I’d be a liar if I said that I don’t know.
It’s taken years of practice.  It’s taken writing it out a LOT.  It’s taken doing one simple rep or attempt and having to be okay with that at first (SN: I’d like to say that I’m okay with that.  But I never am.  I’m always very angry at myself for wussing out…over a LINE OF THINKING.  I hate I can’t control that!  And I always wind up very angry with myself when I quit early.  I’ve learned to use that anger to my advantage.  I know that I can do ONE…back off…be angry about only doing one…then go back and do MORE.  Angry.  Do more while I’m angry.  It actually helps a bit).  It’s taken some serious talking to from my best to remind me I’m not a failure.  It’s taken tears.  And it’s taken TIME.

But it IS possible.  For me?
Crank the music.  Finding my LOUD has helped a lot.  It’s hard to be scared, worried, afraid, etc with Halestorm or Ozzy or Sixx:AM screaming in your ears.  There’s a power there for me.
It’s really as simple as that for me.
Crank
The
Music

This is also why I have a more difficult time with group sports.
No.  Really!
I mean, besides not having an understanding of the rules and principles of most sports?  I’m afraid that people are laughing at the uncoordinated, un-athletic, “fat” (in my head) girl who doesn’t understand what’s going on…altho she is TRYING to understand and TRYING to participate to the best of her ability.

And I can’t plug into my music to turn it up to almost drown out those thoughts.

Okay.  So I need to get over that.
I’m working on it.
I’ve identified it as a character flaw, that being afraid of what people think thing.  And I’m working on it.

And I will do my damnedest to help anyone else with those fears as well!  I know how it feels to feel like that…even though no one is watching you.  Even though no one cares if you’re not good at whatever you’re doing…yet.  No one does.  Trust me.
I’d like to grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.  I won’t.  But I will talk you through it (and chances are I won’t actually be “nice” about it either.  I don’t coddle people well.  I’m trying to talk SENSE into you.  Most times the best way to do that is to get you to see the truth of the matter.  Let’s be honest: the truth usually hurts.  A LOT).

And together?  We’ll try again.  Yup.  Together.  Why the hell not?  I’ll give it a shot!  And you can laugh at me, too.  I don’t mind.
Thankfully, the people I went to school with for 13 years helped me learn really quickly that people laughing at other people isn’t uncommon (yes, I’m bitter about that yet.  I can be.  It’s my life.  It doesn’t control me.  But it probably IS a factor in my depression and it does still push me…especially when it comes to trying new things and anything athletic in nature).

But you’ve got to QUIT IT.
You MUST quit the hissy fits.  You must quit stopping things because you can’t do them or can’t do them well.
By that logic?  You shouldn’t be walking!
Think about it:  If you had known as an infant that your parents were actually giggling AT you when you toddled around and fell down?  Because you weren’t good at walking yet?  You’d have given up after the first try!
People WERE watching you!  And they were laughing…AT YOU.  But then you laughed along with them…because it was kinda funny, this new thing you were doing and trying to figure out.
And you got up again and once more tried to wrap your head around it.  (Trust me: toddlers do attempt to think through the mechanics of walking.  Watch their little faces!)
And then?  Then you mastered 5 steps without holding on to anything!  A new record!  And you cheered!

So get back there.
Get back to laughing at yourself.  Get back to being determined.  Get back to figuring out the HOW.  Get back to cheering yourself on.  Get back to being proud of the little progress.  Get back to getting back up and trying again.  Get back to the determination.

And when you need a break?  Sit down.  It’s okay.
Then try again.

But QUIT thinking you can’t.

You can.

Promise.

Catch ya on the flip
Trix

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